It's Saturday, woo.

The LoveGod got up at 4am to go golfing. Someone tell me again why this is fun. He'll be back by 11am, in time to drag his sorry ass through the day. He'll look like a basset hound by 3 pm.

Mouse and I ended up sleeping together last night. I am not a rabid proponent of the whole co-sleeping thing, tho I know it's a trendy thing to do. Frankly, Mouse snores, and squirms and I end up frozen in position, visions of flattened child in my head. I mean if I roll on her - it's no contest. She's 21 mos, I am almost 40. So I don't sleep if she's with me - and if mama ain't rested, ain't nobody rested - believe me. But she's sick and in limpet-mode.

She's booger child lately. Has the appearance and the vitality of a glazed doughnut. I cannot imagine what it must be like to depend on someone else to blow your nose for you. Or not be able to have a good satisfying snork and swallow. I can't find when this developmental milestone is achieved, but I know I will be one happy happy mother when I can take the wads of balled up tissues out from my sleeve and flush them goodbye.

I should compile my own list of milestones:

1. Able to open cupboard doors and get 'bikkies' after been told expressly NO - 10 mos.

2. Able to unroll toilet roll and run naked, shrieking wildly thru the house when Godfearing neighbour has dropped by- 10.25 mos.

3. Able to coerce Dad into giving her the alternate menu choice for dinner when Mum's back is turned - 1 year.

4. Able to call MIL 'Fatty Boombah' after much MUCH repeated coaching by me - 14 mos.

5. Able to walk into a dinner party with a feminine protection product plastered to her forehead a la John Lennon - 18 mos.

But I digress.

Anyway, when Mouse is sick, it brings home to me just how dependent she is. And just how keenly she feels this. I end up with her propped up on one hip for most of the day. And she wants that to continue at night.

So at 11pm, there I am - staggering into her room, hoiking her sweaty body out of the crib and across the hall into the second bed. Where she immediately gets me in a head and neck lock, and goes back to sleep. And I lie there, terrified to move, wondering if this is something I can put in the mama-karma bank to use when she's 15 and thinks I am an unfeeling cow. And I stay there, dozing fitfully, trying to see the clock out of the corner of my eye without moving my head and feeling her drool go down the side of my neck. If you'd told me I'd do this willingly 2 years ago I'd have told you that you were out of your mind.

Sweaty baby, drool and boogers. I'm off today to get my hair cut and maybe hang out in a bookstore or six and eyeball cute intellectual guys. Then hang in the CD store and see what's playing. Enough is enough. Time to regain some ME. before I turn into one of those mothers always featured in Southern Gothic novels who 'lives for her chald' and is secretly barking.

song for today: Everybody Knows This is Nowhere - Neil Young.

Heehee, I just read Idolblonde's latest entry. All sterling advice but I have a confession:

*whisper*

I've used a toddler leash. Still do. My reasoning is this: It is better for my kid if she walks. I will stop and gaze at a speck on the sidewalk for as long as she wants. I will help her investigate crumply bits of paper on the ground for ages. I like it when we walk.

But she doesn't want to hold my hand. If I try, she flings herself to the ground and does a horizontal flashdance. I am then reduced to either dragging her along by her arm (guaranteed to get disapproving stares) or waiting it out. She can keep this up for an hour.

So since she hates the stroller (and so do I), we walk tethered together. Not always, just in places where her running off could cause her some danger. And before any of you tell me that she should learn to 'mind my voice', I agree, she should. However, she is not yet 2, and if any of you have a method to get an interested toddler away from a bright shiny motorbike parked beside a 3 lane road that doesn't involve giving her a whack - I'll listen. And don't get me started on people who whack their kids.

The alternative is cooping her up in a stroller the way lots of mothers do. Seems to me that letting her walk, and learning to walk responsibly while still having a safety net is a reasonable way to go.

And yeah, it does look awful. But I rationalise it like this - I love my kid much much more than I love my dog. But I leash my dog. And my dog comes to me 99% of the time when I call. And has enough sense not to run out into the road. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. Same with my kid -  only multiply that by about a million.

When she's 3, I fully expect her to walk with me, holding my hand, sans leash. She is deigning to do so when we cross the street. And sometimes she'll even come to me when there's something much more interesting going on. So there's hope for us yet.

Anyway, go read IdolBlonde. It's a good rant.

Can you say CRAP friend? I can, cos that's me.

My best friend is going thru a helluva time. Her dad has been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Now the prognosis is really quite good for him, but understandably she's got some issues.

So why haven't I been around?

Because in addition to this, she's 9 weeks pregnant. And bitching about it. And I get a sour lump of envy and resentment listening to her complain about the nausea or the mood swings and the fatigue. I will add, she's well aware of my problems conceiving and knows firsthand how absolutely shattered I've been at the failures.

I've emailed her, and spoken to her on the phone, and tried to be as supportive as I can - without actually seeing her. It's easier for me to ignore the grumblings about her pregnancy and focus on the other issue than it would be if she was right there in front of me.

So my question is:

What kind of person am I that would let my own feelings about how she's handling her pregnancy interfere with actually seeing her and giving her a hug?

The answer: a selfish selfabsorbed one. I am not very happy with myself one bit. Yuk, I need to take a shower and see if I can wash this attitude off myself and rejoin the human race.

I am on booger duty today. Had a shocking night with the Mouse - yelled till 1am, then work at 3am and surprise, surprise  - she's sick.

Dammit. I get today to spend with her then back to work tomorrow, and I am gonna spend it with a snotty limpet round my neck, and booger stains on my shirt.

I cannot believe I choose my clothes as to whether they coordinate with snot. My god. How the mighty have fallen. 

There are big chunks of ash falling out of the air. The air smells like a big campfire.

The fires are 15 kms away but they seem like they are next door. The fires are licking at the suburbs - not the NEAR suburbs, but the suburbs, places with kids and streets and homes and schools.

They are threatening a suburb that we nearly bought in. They are destroying entire national parks. They are threatening lives, destroying years of memories and reducing precious wildlife to ash and rubble.

They are being set by arsonists. Incomprehensible.

Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie

Because someone needs to keep people like this on the 'Net. Ssssh, read this site - it will make you feel much much better about your own sanity.

The Onion | America's Finest News Source

For all the news that's fit to read. Read this stuff and stop taking everything so damn seriously.

Hmmm.

I just noticed that the time zone that this posts in isn't in MY time zone. So trust me, that last entry was on December 31st, I haven't flipped.

well today the new year starts the same way as the old. Me up early again, while hub snoozes away the morning in bed. Not for him, getting up to his kid. No - a simple yelled 'go to sleep' loud enough to wake the dead (and by extension, me) and it's business as usual.

I'm pissed off. I am tired too. I'd have liked a lie-in. He's had 2 weeks off, and hasn't gotten up with her once.  Granted, I usually wake up early anyway, so I don't mind - but the two times I felt like a lie-in, all I got was screamed exhortations for Mouse to shutup.

It's the assumption that 'the wife will do it' that shits me.

The assumption that because I normally get up, I will get up. The point is, when I normally get up - he doesn't have to shout at Mouse to shut up. So you'd think that if he's lying in bed listening to her scream, it's pretty damn obvious that for ONCE, I am sleeping in.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

He'd better be careful, despite his easy facility with sloppy words and sentimental cards, I haven't liked him very much for a long while now. It wouldn't take much.

Well it’s the last day of the old year, and I will be dancing on the tables to see it gone.

A big yah boo sucks to 2001, thanks for nothing.

So, Christmas was okay. We had the MIL over snoring and farting and gobbling and blathering, but with the help of some alcohol, I got through Christmas Eve and Christmas day without chucking a wobbly.

Mouse got spoiled, which made me happy, because even if we don’t have any money for ourselves, we still managed to get some stuff for her. And I laughed, because the expensive electronic toys that MIL bought her are sitting unplayed with in a heap. What is she playing with? The books, the train, the cooking set, and the dolly that her parents bought her. See? I do know my kid.

Anyway, I am still panicked at the thought of how we will survive the coming year. We don’t have enough cash not to be seriously strapped and I am sick and tired of picking up the slack. Mouse will be in pre-school soon, and I’ll be back in the work trenches full time. I am NOT picking up any more extra hours after Feb 1^st. Hub will either deal with it, or he won’t. Not. My. Problem. I’d rather live in a shack and be able to spend time with my child, than live in a palace. He of course, wants both. But we can’t afford both, which is something he still doesn’t get.

Well, he’ll get it when the bills start rolling in February.

So, I am not pregnant again as of this morning. I am sad. But not devastated. I am slowly coming to some sort of acceptance, I think – what else can I do? There are advantages to having only one child. And maybe I am being selfish in wanting another. My doctor told me it was time to face facts and accept that I may not have another child.

Dammit. I feel like grieving. But I also know that monthly emotional turmoil is really wearing me out. I just can’t seem to turn my heart around to this way of thinking tho. My head says ‘okay, accept and move on’, my heart breaks every time I see or hear of another pregnant friend. But I am trying, I really am. Oh well, maybe this is all part and parcel of growing up. I always knew growing up sucked.

And funnily enough, the knowledge that Mouse may be my only, makes her even more precious. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before that she is a miracle.

I don’t need much more in my life than my sanity and my kid. If another comes along, okay that will be amazing – but I have what I need right here, right now. Time to be thankful. Time to REALLY be thankful.

All around me, people are losing their homes and possessions and even their lives in the Sydney Bush fires. While I sit around moaning about the fact I don't have it all. Honestly, I need a good slap.

If you are reading this, send a prayer to the brave bush firefighters and the strong souls who are standing by their homes, fighting to protect their memories.

And Happy Holidays to all.

Did Some Thinking.

What will make me happy:
1. to have some financial security.
2. to be only responsible for my own and my daughters emotional well-being - at least until she's old enough to take it on herself.
3. to not feel guilty when i don't toe the accepted party line about being a wife.
4. to have my family around to give me unconditional hugs and
support.
5. to be able to work at something I love, without compromising my mothering.
6. to feel intellectually challenged in conversations once in a
while.
7. just to feel carefree occasionally.
8. to find unadulterated happiness in something other than my kid, because that's a big burden for such a little one to carry.