December 30, 2001

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    Well it’s the last day of the old year, and I will be dancing on the tables to see it gone.


    A big yah boo sucks to 2001, thanks for nothing.


    So, Christmas was okay. We had the MIL over snoring and farting and gobbling and blathering, but with the help of some alcohol, I got through Christmas Eve and Christmas day without chucking a wobbly.


    Mouse got spoiled, which made me happy, because even if we don’t have any money for ourselves, we still managed to get some stuff for her. And I laughed, because the expensive electronic toys that MIL bought her are sitting unplayed with in a heap. What is she playing with? The books, the train, the cooking set, and the dolly that her parents bought her. See? I do know my kid.


    Anyway, I am still panicked at the thought of how we will survive the coming year. We don’t have enough cash not to be seriously strapped and I am sick and tired of picking up the slack. Mouse will be in pre-school soon, and I’ll be back in the work trenches full time. I am NOT picking up any more extra hours after Feb 1st. Hub will either deal with it, or he won’t. Not. My. Problem. I’d rather live in a shack and be able to spend time with my child, than live in a palace. He of course, wants both. But we can’t afford both, which is something he still doesn’t get.


    Well, he’ll get it when the bills start rolling in February.


    So, I am not pregnant again as of this morning. I am sad. But not devastated. I am slowly coming to some sort of acceptance, I think – what else can I do? There are advantages to having only one child. And maybe I am being selfish in wanting another. My doctor told me it was time to face facts and accept that I may not have another child.


    Dammit. I feel like grieving. But I also know that monthly emotional turmoil is really wearing me out. I just can’t seem to turn my heart around to this way of thinking tho. My head says ‘okay, accept and move on’, my heart breaks every time I see or hear of another pregnant friend. But I am trying, I really am. Oh well, maybe this is all part and parcel of growing up. I always knew growing up sucked.


    And funnily enough, the knowledge that Mouse may be my only, makes her even more precious. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before that she is a miracle.


    I don’t need much more in my life than my sanity and my kid. If another comes along, okay that will be amazing – but I have what I need right here, right now. Time to be thankful. Time to REALLY be thankful.


    All around me, people are losing their homes and possessions and even their lives in the Sydney Bush fires. While I sit around moaning about the fact I don't have it all. Honestly, I need a good slap.


    If you are reading this, send a prayer to the brave bush firefighters and the strong souls who are standing by their homes, fighting to protect their memories.


    And Happy Holidays to all.


     

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