January 7, 2002

• "Smoke free Day Two"

  
  

  

  
  

  What do people do when they don't smoke? What did I do? I dunno but I tell ya, chewing the little bits of skin around my fingernails is not doing a lot for my selfimage.

  
  

  So...

  
  

  In an effort not to strangle my steadily tantrumming toddler, I took her to one of those indoor play thingies. Let's call it "Paramecium Park", shall we?

  
  

  So what is WITH the parents at these things?

  
  

  I mean, yes, you need a break from constantly monitoring your kid but how about checking up on them once in a while? Say, between your cafe lattes and the blowjob tips in Cosmopolitan? Or between long nasal monologues that are punctuated with "and then I says, and then she says and then I says"?

  
  

  I don't give a fuck about whose butt has really gotten large after the triplets and nor do I care about the cost of your goddam garage door opener, or how cute the poolboy is.

  
  

  They are kids and doing kid stuff, but it is not MY job to watch or discipline YOUR kid. It is YOURS. I am very uninterested in your children, trust me. Sometimes, like today, I am very uninterested in my OWN kid - so don't push me on this. My kid KNOWS she is walking a fine line, but she knows I will forgive her anything. Your kid, I will turn into a housepet in a nanosecond.

  
  

  And what's with the "now Brandon, don't whack the little girl in the face, that's not nice, you wouldn't like that, that hurts, don't do that sweetums, come on buddy that little girl doesn't like it" type of parenting. Howsa about you either pull your little brat off my kid or I'll turn him into a permanent light fixture? Would that be something that would get some discipline action happening??

  
  

  And your kid can't eat off my plate! Buy him some food for maude's sake. And if you are too cheap to eat here, then why don't you stop swilling $4 Capuccinos and toss him a gummybear or two? Or better yet, get offa yo fat ass and go home and cook him something nutritous. But get him away from me before I spit at him.

  
  

  And I don't think your kid is cute or having a behavioural milestone when she wallops my kid, or pushes her off the rocking horse. Forget smiling at me and hoping for sympathy. You had it, now teach it some manners and some socialisation - or I will. I will growl so loudly at your child that it has nightmares about tall mean women for years.

  
  

  I want you to watch your own child. You, know, MOTHER IT. Be a parent, not a friend. Show some interest - fake it - I have to, it's part of the job. And it's a 24/7 deal, you knew this before you got knocked up, and no matter what you want now - that's the way it is. So stop whining and stop hoping people like me will do the hard part of the job for you.

  
  

  Pay some attention. Take some time. Make an effort.

  
  

  You'd do it for a dog, now do it for your kid.

  
  

  I think I hate every other parent in the world today. No wonder there's so many folks out there that hate kids.

  • 11:52 pm
  • 4 Comments