May 15, 2002
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Inchoate.
What on earth possessed me to streak my hair blonde? I look like I have a giant yellow mop on my head. I look like I should have a cig hanging outta my mouf and be wearing tight red pedal pushers and spike heels and stay away from bright street lights.
*sigh* I do this regularly. I get bored with the way I look and I dye my hair strange colours or throw out everything in my wardrobe and rebuy stuff that only a woman in the throes of some sort of dementia would actually leave the house wearing.
I bought a purple fake fur vest. I look like an extra in Monsters Inc. in it. Only I don't have horns. Actually, change that - I look like an extra in a Wagnerian opera. All I need is the iron tits.
Do you ever look in the mirror and just get bored all to tears by the face looking back at you? Or is it just me?
My eyes are boring - they are blue and regular and have been that way forever. Maybe I'll get blazing yellow cats eye contacts. Woo, that will impress the playgroup mummies.
My nose is generic, straight and plain. Not an interesting bump in site. Maybe I'll smack myself in the face and see if I look like something exotic. Wait, with my luck I'll look like a goalie.
My skin is fair and freckled. I wish I could dye it blue or something cool. Too bad woad isn't in style.
Maybe it's not the way I look. Maybe it's the way I feel about me and about things.
I feel 'stuck' and boring and settled and invisible. I see my life as grey and blurry and wispy.
A perspective exercise - two parallel lines, straight, plain and clean - marching endlessly into the future. No unexpected detours.
Do you think it's the age I am at, or the job I do?
Comments (17)
You might needs the horns for the Wagnerian opera, too.
I get tired of the same face in the mirror, too. Luckily, I have facial hair that I can change the shape of quite readily...however I don't see this as a viable option for you to pursue. Tatoos?
It's likely age and work. And it seems to be in our nature to want more than what we have - something other than what we have. Like the song says...good is good but could be better.
My big change disaster was a couple of weeks ago. Me and a box of hair dye. I didn't highlight, I colored. From mousy brown to RED. Not auburn. RED. Damn head had magenta highlights for four days...I looked like a pre-menopausal punk rocker. This little redneck town I live in was impressed, as you might imagine.
Screw em if they can't take a joke, eh?
{{{HUGS}}}
remember my purple tresses?
I think what you're dissatisfied with isn't your looks or age...and I don't think the core is your job either.
I have an interesting bump...you don't want it, trust me.
Come to Jamaica...
You need a project, otherwise YOU become the project. I've been weeding and planting. It puts you back into your head. It's a very usefull husk, but it is what's on the inside that is beautiful.
Dr. Evil is so right. It is what's on the inside. That said, why do I hate my body so much? My big change was the short do that Dr. Evil inspired me to do. It's working - for now. No need to dye it any weird color this week.
I think it's your stinkin' thinkin' getting you down. I know I should have said that in a nicer way, but I couldn't think of anything nicer than the truth. I like you the way you are so quit screwing with yourself and work on the inside where it really matters. eSmooches to you!
There's something unique and lovely about nearly everyone's face. I think your image in the mirror reflects how you feel inside more than how you look on the outside. I think you're right on in your analysis.
A lot of people feel stuck, ineffectual, and impotent. That powerless feeling seems pretty pervasive in a lot of people's lives. I hate to sound new agey, but we are the makers of our own destiny. I suppose that's not so new agey really, because they're more likely to say it's all up to fate, but I think fate is a crock of shit. All fate does is inspire people to be dreamers rather than activators who do something with their lives. You've got a lot of energy, I can tell by the way you write. You sound very intense and focused. You have a way with words, and your writing is very directed and linear. I think you could do anything you set your mind to. Don't fall into the mommy and hubby trap, where you live your life for other people and lose yourself in "duty". I think that's an easy thing to fall into as a woman, cause we're taught to do for others and be selfless, but that only gets us into the nutward or into the psych office getting a valium prescription. You sound like a vibrant character. Don't let that slip away. I'm sure you've thought all these things before, but it's always nice to be reminded that you're NOT crazy for feeling this way.
I personally tend to overanalyze problems rather than tackle them head on. What I try to do when I'm in a situation where I feel ineffectual is think of what I can DO to change it, because my tendancy is just to THINK about it, and then get worked up, but not actually be proactive or do anything about it. It's like thinking about stuff only makes you more aware of all the nuances of a problem and how it's annoying, not how it could be better or resolved or mended. So, in the end, when all I do is analyze, I'm doing a disservice to myself, because I waste my energy on thoughts that aren't useful. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think you might be like me in this regard.
Take care.
much love.
p.s. Nah, I bet you'd look hot in those spike heels and pedal pushers, dahhhling.
I think you said it perfectly. It's your perception that is all whacked. There seem to be a rash of people who have decided that they aren't worth much. Maybe it's something in the air.
Steve
All of the above!
I do the same thing and have for YEARS. It's just something in me that likes change. Once, when I was about 23 and had short spiked hair, I decided to highlight it blonde with a home kit. I left it on too long and it turned WHITE! Everyone at the conservative bank I was working at at the time called me "David Bowie" for the next three months until it grew out enough to chop off. I no longer mess with bleach at home!
Shit - maybe it's genetic? I just dyed my hair cinnamon red (yep, me the archetypical sensible sally...)!!!! AND FOR THE RECORD - YOUR EYES ARE ANYTHING BUT PLAIN!!!! THEY ARE BIG, ALMOND SHAPED AND VIOLET COLOURED! Now me, I got the not quite blue not quite green crap eyes....sigh. Hang in there - go buy a new pair of glasses, works for me (I've got funky hornrimmed ones now!).
love and smoochy kisses...
well hell everyone said what I wanted too I hate when that happens. But from one mom to another, mmmhmmm been there, dye my hair and then eventually go normal again. Accept it and enjoy the weirdness for a while.
The docotor has pictures of my hair being bright blue and spiked. The only thing stopping me redyeing it is the prospect of work.
There is nothing wrong with throwing a monkey wrench into the well oiled fashion machine every now and then.
Oh and I'm pretty sure that in real life, parallel lines cannot exist. Reminds me of an old short story title by Flannery O'Conner "Everything that rises must converge"
Age might be part of it. Likewise, the mommy thing. I look in the mirror and see my mother, but I know it's just on the surface. All we had in common underneath is the stuff all mammalian females have in common, plus a few congenital defects and some family tendencies. Otherwise, I am not my mother. Really, I'm not.
You KNOW I am living this right now...Christ. But I bet even "The Beautiful Ones" look in the mirror every once in awhile and think "Oh, God, there I am again, just like yesterday," and burst into tears. (Think Nicole Kidman). The only thing stopping me from dying my hair is the fact that all the women I know right now who are having Crisis and dying their hair are coming out with bad dye jobs...Love you.
I know what you mean about getting bored with the face staring back at you in the mirror. I was the Miss Clairol Poster Child during the '80s, however dark roots are one thing and white ones quite another *ick!*, so rather than coloring the hair on my head, I now play with the hair on my face when I get bored, going from clean-shaven to bearded to just wearing a goatee, etc. PS - idolblonde turned me on to your site.
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