February 17, 2002
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Infertility.
I have an appointment with the Infertility Doc today. I am nervous as a cat about it.
I have decided to cancel this appointment half a dozen times in the past month – chiefly due to my marital woes, but also, to be honest, because a big part of me, does not want to know.
What I have is called ‘secondary infertility’ and is commoner than what people think. There’s a reason a lot of couples only ever have one child – they can’t have another. It’s not necessarily wanting to preserve a lush lifestyle or spoil one child rotten. It’s not necessarily because having one child put them off having another.
You’d think having had one child, getting pregnant again would be straightforward. Just insert the right bits at the right time and go. But it’s not that easy apparently. A lot of things go wrong; the female body is a wondrously balanced thing.
Sometimes they never find out why, you just have to keep trying and hope that one-day, your body will get with the program. This can take years.
Women like me, who’ve had one child late in life, don’t have the luxury of a 4 or 5-year age gap between kids. I am old. Old enough that a 5-year gap puts me in the premenopausal bracket. When things stop working for good.
So if you are like me, you panic. You get some tests done, they come back fine. Then you wonder.
Now I am older, and wiser about this, if not much else. And much sadder.
So, for me, today I will either be told that there is a good chance someone can do something for me, or that I may in fact have missed my chance. I will have to make decisions on tests that may possibly definitely tell me that there is little hope.
There may be a lot of reckoning to do.
Funny – the things that go through your head at a time like this.
You berate the abortion you had at 24, and the two miscarriages you had when you quite possibly didn’t take the whole pregnancy gig for the gift that is was. Smoking, drinking and carrying on like nothing had changed. I was younger then of course.
What if the child I aborted at 24 was the only other child I was ever meant to have? Would I do things differently if I could go back?
Yes, yes I would. Despite the lack of money, the horrendously abusive boyfriend, and the nervous breakdown – I would keep my baby. I would somehow have made it through. I know better now.
But if I’d kept that child, would that mean that my beloved Mouse wouldn’t have come to be? Because I couldn’t bear that.
Funny, indeed, the things that go through your head at a time like this.
Is it any wonder I am scared?
More tomorrow, I think. I can’t concentrate.
Comments (14)
Good luck! Try not to worry too much. (I know that’s easier said than done!)
I’m touched by your courage and sensitivity. Thank you.
No, no wonder at all…
I’m with you babe – my appointment is on 9th april – actually the private and punlic appointments are on the same day – have to choose which to cancel…. oh I am SO with you!!!!!
much loves to you Stress
KA
had some of those thoughts myself…sigh.
love you.
I had problems carrying my kids. Both were premature. Without any reason the doctors could give me. And those same thoughts…the what ifs…the partying, the abortion in my youth, all of those…went through my head too while my babies fought to live. Best wishes to you.
Your naked honesty and openness is really touching. I don’t say those things lightly, either.
I can understand why you would go over these things in your mind. It makes perfect sense. But obviously you made the right decisions for your life. You have Mouse, you have your health, you have everything.
I’ve known several women with infertility problems, so I know what can hinge on these tests and the deep and overwhelming sense of loss. I wish you the best.
I hate euphemisms, but I also hate the word infertility. It seems riddled with judgment. It seems full of condemnation. It seems particularly directed towards women (fields and uteruses are “fertilized”). It makes women (and men, too) feel like something is wrong with their bodies. It’s too much of a label. I don’t mean to get too semantical on you, but I just hope you realize that you are just perfectly fine, fit, and wonderful the way you are.
If things don’t turn out optimally, you will grieve the loss for a while and then you will go on being the cool, strong, courageous mom, woman, daughter, wife, lover, and friend you’ve always been.
I can relate to the feelings you’re having very much. Although I was relatively young, 25, when I had Tara, I’d been told for years by then that I had serious infertility issues. I still do, and so can absolutely feel your emotion over this. You just hold your little Mouse close, and feel how good everything really is, in spite of this.
Hey thanks all, I need to process, but your comments helped. Really, they did.
They all said it very well, but it will be a lot to process, just don’t be too hard on yourself, no matter the results. Had some of those issues myself and it’s not easy. Sending good thoughts your way:)
nothing to add, just sending good vibes your way.
Sigh, good luck sweetie. Can you guess why I have only one child??
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m around and been in your shoes. Let us know how it went.
A little late, but I wanted to tell you how brave you seem, from the few weeks I’ve been reading. Things will work out as they are supposed to. Try not to let the what-ifs get you, they’re a killer.