September 23, 2008
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2:30am
So yes, it’s 2:30am and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I feel nauseous and wired and my mind is splitting and splintering in all different directions. I just want this all to be over. I want my life to go back to the banality of worrying about money, what to feed the kids and whether my arse looks fat in that pair of jeans.
I am on my last round of Chemo. For me, each round has taken a little more of the punch out of me. Makes sense. You start with a normal blood count, and each round, the starting point is lower and lower. I started this round with only 26% white blood cells — which, apparently, is a good count. I count myself lucky that I have not had to have Chemo delayed due to low blood counts.
Still. 26% ain’t much.
So I am dragging my tired seasick self around the house, trying to maintain some normality for the girls and The Boy, and it is getting mighty wearisome.
Hopefully, this time next week, I will be in the swing of full-time daily Radiation, plus a weekly Chemo session. And we will have this nasty fucker on the ropes.
I like the idea of Radiation. It’s not as nebulous as Chemo. Chemo scours your body invisibly looking for those rogue cells but you can’t really see it working. My insides are as clean from cancer as if they’d been scrubbed in a dishwasher. I could donate even my long suffering liver if I got hit by a bus tomorrow. But I can’t see it, I can’t see it working — apart from a slight reduction in the size of my tumour and some generally softening all round. (Didn’t lose my hair , nyah-nyah!).
Radiation, (I imagine) is like bringing out the M-16. I want to see that thing shrink daily, I want to know it’s being bombarded with nasty stuff. I like to imagine it skittering and gibbering with fear, trying to hide from the all powerful DEATH RAY.
Bring.
It.
On.
I am so over this.
Comments (3)
you are also brave and strong. don’t forget that.
xo
I think it’s because you literally “can’t see it working” that you’re suppose to visualize that very thing. At least, that’s what I’ve been told.
So — to variate a phrase I’ve heard recently — “Visualize, Baby, Visualize!”
RYM: You’re already on the protected list. The post in question was dated Sept. 10. Let me know if you can’t access it.
I’ve been thinking about you lots. Now that boy of yours better be treating you right, or else I’ll bet he hears no end to it once you’re 100% again (or even 68%).
Here’s to radiation, pinpointed to that nasty extra thing.
xoxo