August 24, 2008
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Snippets
Been offline since the oldest child decided to reformat the hard drive. Bad bad bad. Full marks for curiosity, still , she must learn to click the ‘cancel’ button when she hasn’t a clue what she is doing. I am writing this on my deck off a laptop, which I HATE because my big ol’ fingers make lots of typing mistakes.
Second round of chemo does not appear to be as bad as the first. Mind you, the first was so goddammitty awful, death might have been preferable. So far, merely fatigue, crankiness, er.. bowel issues, tummy issues and general lack of appetite. And yeah, my hair is starting to thin. I look like an ugly KD Laing.
Thinking about death. Was thinking that I could become reconciled to it had I not had children to leave behind. When it’s just you, well, then, you make your peace, sort yourself out and face the facts. But leaving kids behind without a mother, just tears me up. So onward we go through the puking and the nausea and the sleeplessness and all the other nastiness because you don’t quit when you have kids. You just don’t. Or you shouldn’t have had them in the first place.
The Boy would survive. He’d sort himself out, grieve etc, and find himself another woman because that is what men are programmed to do, and I have no quarrel with that. But the girls would be damaged, I think. Or become Prime Ministers.
Comments (4)
Blunt, You own this word, it is You and I think of it as Beautifully Eloquent, You as You Are, and I am Blown Away. Love, to You, A Million times Over!!
well gawd. i don’t know what to say. except that you say what you need to with eloquence and grace. even (maybe especially?) when you’re as pissed off as all get out. if a giant squeeze of a hug from a far-away american would help, here it is. otherwise, you keep writing and we’ll keep reading.
and i’ll try to get busy on a hat for you, but prince charming’s mom just died suddenly, and school starts next week and the house is a wreck and and and, you know how it goes.
@princess_smartypants - darling, don’t worry about a hat. Take care of your loved ones — THAT’S what important. xx
@Libbyl0u - thanks for that. Back atcha.
I’m not as sure as you are that you’re going to be shuffled off this mortal coil, but even if it happens, I have a hunch your girls will be OK. I lost my dad when I was 10. And my surviving parent had, er, issues. I’m saying, it was the stable parent that I lost.
Nevertheless, I survived, in part because of the good grounding that I had from the years I DID have with my father.
Your girls have had you for a parent. I really think they’ll be OK, whatever happens.
But don’t let that stop you from fighting to survive.
xoxoxo