October 19, 2007

  • Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
    Well, there you go.
    So my question is.... and one that my lame-o cognitive psychologist couldn't answer is....
    Am I the same person on or off the drugs?
    I am on Depakote, Effexor and Aropax (er... Paxil for non-aussies). That's some serious shit.

    • Depakote regulates my moods, so I don't decide to volunteer for everything at Mouse's school, take on extra work, and cook a dinner party for 45. Seriously.
    • Aropax stops me from jumping in front of trains, when all of the aforementioned doesn't come off just.quite.right. And I am useless and incompetent and a horrible mother and wife. And anyone would be better than me.
    • Effexor allows me to sleep when I've been up and down at 4am solving the problems of the world and my household and reading like a fiend cos I can't shut my brain down long enough to get the sleep my body so desperately needs.
    • Not to mention the wine. The wine on Friday nights which allows me to self-medicate long enough to feel less tense.

    I tell you, my doc had me on Valium for a month and that was the absolute best. Unfortunately, it is addictive and I can... see... why. I felt normal for the first time in ages. But anyway, I am uber-mummy and superwoman and who-the-hell-cares-what-gets-me-off woman -- I refused another prescription cos above all, I don't wan to turn into some blonde-streaked tennis lady, who is medicated up to her tits, who gathers round the pool for Gin and Tonic's every Thurs and Friday, smiling vacantly at her kids and giving her husband blow jobs on his birthday. She may be not suicidal but.. Ewwww.
    (That was a really long sentence, can you tell it's Friday?)
    Anyway, I am finding my way. It seems to be two steps forward and one step back. The whole Who Am I question is really bugging me though.
    Maybe who I am is supposed to be un-medicated.
    Maybe I am supposed to go off on wild emotional rides and soar through the sky just to crash and burn.
    Maybe that is who I am.
    That person. The person who would be a lousy mother and a crappy mother.
    Not the person who calmly deals with everything and only does her rag after two weeks of constant squabbling by the Divas. Maybe I am supposed to have blown up on Day 4.
    So that's the thing that's bugging me lately.
    Who the hell am I?

      

Comments (3)

  • embrace the meds and learn to love them.
    maybe they are not the best mix for you if you are not feeling ok on them.  maybe it is the idea of meds that you don't like...
    but honey, please don't go off the meds, because the other side is scary for people who love you, and although it IS you, it is not you that functions in a way that is good for you...

    please email any time...

  • Frankly, the idea of drugs scares the hell out of me, but after my years at the hospital where I see the beneficial effects on psychiatric patients, I've come to have a different view on psychotropic meds.

    I'm still ignorant about drugs.

    My naive HOPE -- for you and for anyone else who has been subscribed such meds -- is that the doctors have the goal of at least weaning you off the heavy stuff eventually.  It may be too much to hope that drug therapy can end entirely.  I say that because of the number of patients I see returning to the hospital because they went off their meds.

    ********

    As for the Who Am I question, I can see why it troubles you but I would hope that you'll soon stop worrying about it.  (On the other hand, I would hope that your doctor would give you a satisfactory answer.  It's his job, fer Chrissakes.)

  • PREscribed, I meant to say.  Not SUBscribed.

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