February 9, 2005
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Secret.
I have been asked to keep a secret. Now, believe it or not (given the fact that I like to spew on public websites), I am actually pretty good at keeping secrets.
I am best at keeping secrets when I am absolutely, unequivocally convinced that no good will be served by telling.
So I am in a real flutter over this request. I gave my word, and I will keep it but oh dear jesus it will be hard. Hard because the asker is someone who is one of the few people on the planet that I would unhestitatingly give my life for, and yet I think this is a terrible mistake. A mistake because despite the short-term consequences of telling, the long-term consequences of not telling could be far worse. And because she needs someone who lives in the same fucking city to hold her and help her, and the only person who can do this right now lives on the other side of the fucking world.
Her reasons for not telling are valid. Pain, hurt, distress, health issues.... they hit all the right buttons. Can't argue with a single one of them. And the only reason for telling that I can think of -- is to get support. Support that will come anyway - just not as fast.
So I don't know why I am writing this. Perhaps she'll read this and decide to take my advice. Perhaps all I needed was to see the flaccidity of my reasoning in black and white. Perhaps I needed to write down my promise to keep my word. Maybe all these words all lead to one unescapable conclusion - it's not my life, it's not my decision and all I can do is stand back and pick up the pieces.
At least she knows I love her.
Comments (6)
Although I'm curious (who wouldn't be after a post like that!!), all I can say is that I wish your frien the best with whatever decision/choice/action she has to make and that she is very lucky to have you.
"Perhaps all I needed was to see the flaccidity of my reasoning in black and white."
That's really well said. I read your posts and am amazed at how well you write your thoughts. You are the most honest xangan I read, I think.
It's difficult to keep secrets. You're a good friend to your friend.
You can tell ~us~ we won't tell
knowing that you love her might be what she needs. hoping she choses to do what is best for her.
Spill!
I think you're doing the right thing. I ache for your friend, and I hope she's at least seeing a competent therapist. What's impressive is that this was the perfect post for you to write, because it relieved YOU of the awful burden of not sharing, without betraying your friend in any way. You're loved by us, too. You know that, don't you?
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