September 21, 2004
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Dump
All I want is for my friends to be happy and cared for and feel cherished. All that seems to be happening with one particular friend is that she wears the shit sombero while tap dancing on the toilet seat.
This whole 'love' thing has me flummoxed. Really. Here I am a woman of a certain age, and I have probably never ever been in love the way the books and movies and poems all yodel about. PUHLEESE.
Oh wait, when I was 15 and in love with Phil Corbett (Phil, are you out there?). I was dreamy and flustered and couldn't think about anyone else. All this for a guy with muttonchop sideburns. At relatively conservative calculations, I have slept with a bunch o' men (not really that many, but enough to be interesting) and had monogamous relationships numbering three. That's right - three. Including the current one. At some point, before I lived with them, I went through that goopy stuff for about a nanosecond - long enough to agree to share their living space (and in two cases, their legal rights). But in each and every case, that wore off pretty quick.
In the first case, I dumped him. In the second case, I divorced him and in the third, I have decided that genuine affection and heartfelt interest in how he does, is enough to keep me married. (And the fact we have two kids, of course). I suppose this would hurt him deeply if he read it - but it shouldn't. As far as I am concerned, what I have now, the real stuff, the stuff about when he snores you don't fantasize about killing him (well you might, but it would be quick and painless) and the dirty socks on the floor and his inability to hold a job for longer than 2 paychecks -- is what a good relationship is all about. You take the good with the bad, clear-eyed; with nerves of steel to see it through. You base the relationship on mutual respect (as in, he may ball up his sports socks, but he comes home early to take care of the kids when I am feeling sick vs. I am an untidy untidy person who can't fold laundry to save her life, but I cook his dinner every night) and hang on for the bumpy ride.
The goopy dreamy stuff doesn't go the distance.
If all this respect and understanding and tolerance vanishes (because let's face it, tolerance is a big fucking part of two people living together) that's when you call it quits. And you have the grace and the foresight to end it with the respect you lost along the way. Why? Because you were once loved, and you once loved them.
All my exes - even the ones that ended messily - still respect me. They don't gossip about me, they don't tear me down to mutual friends, they don't gang up on me. Because at heart they were good men, and at heart, I am a good woman, despite my many faults.
Don't treat your exes like shit, people. It makes you look small and mean and childish. And it makes them glad you are gone. Try to be remembered as a wonderful interlude in a rich life - not as a black hole where nothing existed but hate and anger.
Comments (10)
This is the best piece you have written in the two years I've been reading you. Very well done.
Steve
Yeah, agreed. One of my exes is to this day one of my best friends, no shit. And I'm on good terms with the others.
Re: the goop. I still need some of that. But it's more like dessert, and not the main course.
I wrote of just this kind of thing in my column last week. Got more local feedback on it than I've had on anything in the last two months or more.
Beautiful. And true!
god my friend and i were just talking about this. after the passion fades (romance, schmomance) if you're really lucky you have a deep and abiding friendship.
the way i show michael that i care is i bring him home chips and salsa from my workplace. haha, chips and salsa...hows that for romance!
wow, I find fp's comment highly ironic under the circumstancs...
but anyway, AMEN and pass the arsenic!
"dont treat your exes like shit" it's simple enough isnt it? I mean assuming your ex isnt an asshat?! Ah well, guess I'm just bitter. Great blog btw. Love ya
if your exe treats YOU like shit, it's okay to be bitter. Otherwise, you are just a doormat.
I'm still on speaking or even friendly terms with just about all of my exes (and their wives, some of whom were friends of mine). Even if the breakups were hurtful, because let's face it, breakups hurt, we were able to get past the initial hurt and remain civil.
I think it just depends on the level of maturity (and general asshatted-ness) of the people involved.
excellently put. i printed it because i know i'm going to want to read it again even though i've read it 3 times over while still on the page. you see into the heart of this thing called love (partnership in whatever form) and i thank you for your clarity, it really helps me ALOT in what i'm going through with my soon-to-be-ex-husband-or-wait-maybe-not-but-i-can't-shake-him-guy. it is incredibly refreshing to read this that you have written. thank you.
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