November 16, 2003
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Two.
Yeah, yeah, I know. You all thought I'd left. I haven't left, I just can't seem to find the time to write anymore. My days are filled with kids and home and hub and friends and all my 'me time' seems to be sucked into space through a vortex that exists between the kitchen and my youngest's bedroom. Or so I tell myself. And when I am not telling myself that, I am telling myself that I don't have anything interesting to write about. My days are pretty settled, and while I don't believe you need to be full of existential angst to write - I write better when I am tortured or angry. Hell, I write better when I am not sleep deprived too.
See what happens when you add another child to the mix?
I was talking to the Boy yesterday about another child. I think he'd like another, since my cousin (second cousin actually but who cares) just announced she's expecting Number Three. We've kicked the idea around a bit, and I even went so far as to refuse sterilisation when I had the chance (c-section).
But I have to be brutally frank. If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be suicidal. The thought fills me with horror. I would plunge into a depression the likes which have never been seen in this parts. I would be reduced to sitting on the couch, watching Oprah and feeding the family Swanson TV dinners without defrosting them. I'd slowly get larger and larger until I died lying there, remote in hand, and my kids only noticed because the dog was feeding on my bloated corpse and the neighbours complained about the smell.
That's how I feel about having another child.
I am sucked dry on the mothering/nurturing thing some days. There are times that all I want is for my kids to be old enough to make their own lunches, get themselves dressed and leave me in peace to read a book without pictures. And that day is coming, I can taste it. I can almost touch the day when I am not covered in puke and shit and cooking disgusting smelly meals and having banal conversations about Bratz dolls or trying to stuff food into unwilling mouths. I will have some freedom. It will be a new phase of motherhood, one where I am not dragging my sorry ass out of bed at some ungodly hour to feed/change/soothe/banish monsters. I will get some 'me time'.
I love my kids. I am a reasonably good mother to them. I shout too much, I don't have enough patience, I expect too much of them and I lose my temper too often. But I can balance that with lots of love and cuddles and laughs and genuine enjoyment of who they are and what they are becoming. But I only have this much. I don't have it for another child. People tell you that you will find it, that you will discover depths you didn't know you had. And I say BOLLOCKS.
There's no denying that my relationship with my oldest daughter has changed, and not necessarily for the better, since my attention became divided. And not only my attention, my patience, my understanding, my drive to be a good mother all got splintered in two. You may love both your kids, but no way do you love them the same, and nor do you love them equally. You love whichever kid needs you most at a particular moment. And you also are quite capable of detesting the other one who interrupts you when you are loving the first one.
That's right, I said detest. As in, 'don't like very much'.
So right now, despite not finding much time for me, I am finding some sort of balance between these two extremes that allows me still to be a good mother. But I know my limitations. I know I don't stretch to doing this for three. Only two.
Mothering two children is good. It stretches me, makes me better and teaches me about what I am capable of. But I've learned enough lessons to know that there isn't room in my heart or my mind for another. And that's a good enough reason. Two's a good number. Two kids gives you a chance to explore different personalities, and to watch two human beings grow up. No need to push the envelope or prove anything to anyone.
It's about knowing your limitations and making the best decision for everyone.
And 'everyone' includes me.
Comments (16)
Glad to see you coming up for air, darlin'.
I hear you on knowing the limitations. Always thought I'd have three. Now I know that ONE is almost too many. Having and raising another child fills me with such sick fear that I want to scream. If I could I'd get clipped. Sadly I don't have $2000. OTOH, my boy didn't even blink when I told him that if he was certain he didn't want chilluns that HE'D have to make it permanent. Immediate response: Absolutely. God I love that man.
missed you terribly.
Your writing is so refreshing, so frank, and so bold.
Since when did being a great mum mean having the patience of Mother Theresa? I sure as hell know my mom didn't. And I appreciate the times she was harsh, impatient, cracking at the seams. I think it's good for kids to see their parents as people once in a while. You're equipping them to be prepared for the world. And because you love them, they'll go out with plenty of self-confidence. They won't become disilllusioned when they start their first career and realize there's noone there to wipe their ass for them.
all the best to you and your lovelies.
God, it's great to read you again. Your total honesty on motherhood just amps me up every time you write about it.
The total honesty is what hooks me too. No bullshit - just here it is. And it rings so damn true with me.
I'm obviously not alone.
Looking forward to you coming up for air more often.
Yippee! A stressie blog!
Yes, it will change. It does get easier, at least in some respects. But it's never just. plain. easy., oh no no no. As the kids get older, you get whole different sets of challenges and problems thrown at you, or so my experience indicates. The 'me time', however, does increase radically, and, in the words of the great philosopher Martha Stewart, it's a good thing.
hi. i came across your site a little while ago. i guess your name says it all.
i had read your previous entry & it left me in stitches! i've been awaiting your return ever since.
yeah, the dynamics change considerably with each child. you don't need to prove anything to anyone... just to yourself.
"... I would be reduced to sitting on the couch, watching Oprah and feeding the family Swanson TV dinners without defrosting them. I'd slowly get larger and larger until I died lying there, remote in hand, and my kids only noticed because the dog was feeding on my bloated corpse and the neighbours complained about the smell. "
HEY! that's what happened to ME!
you're a braver woman than I am. my limitations begin and end with one. ain't nuthin' wrong with that either.
I think if my first pregnancy had been a singleton instead of twins we would have stopped with one child. But we had two at once then decided 7 years later we needed a change of pace so had another. Many days I think it was a big mistake. Some days are better than others, especially as the girls (the twins) are getting older. I HAD that time you talked about. They could make their lunches, I could take them to the park and not worry about them while I read or wrote or daydreamed. And now there's a 2-year old always needing me. It's hard, having had that time and then having to give it up. I know exactly what I'm missing!
That was a breath of fresh air for me. As a first-time mom, it's nice to see someone else talking so openly about the realities of what we are and how we feel.
Thank you for sharing. And I'm quite thrilled to see you post again!!
Hi again, Stressie. First, I read THIS blog, then, I commented on your MOST RECENT blog (without reading it), and in that comment I threatened to trumpet your return to all who read me (I have a small but growing audience), and just now it occurred to me that you may have said something in THIS blog to the effect that you'd rather the urge to blab be suppressed.
Noting that no such cautionary is in evidence, here I go, about to blab. Get ready for an avalanche of new friends. You DO know, don't you, how much I love your way with words?
I am SO pleased to make your acquaintance. Much has transpired since I read the blog previous to this one. In my own Xanga life, that is. And you don't even know me yet!
I've not read such a refreshingly and unexpectedly honest blog entry in a long time! As for myself, I just know that if I ever had kids, I'd resent them almost as often as I loved them, and therefore I am most certaily better off without ever bothering to procreate in the first place.
well, I know it's a cliche, but maude, I could have written this! But I didn't (don't) have the guts. I have been so sad lately thinking this about having two kids - about grieving time with the first and about not feeling that I love them equally... after reading it here I actually cried... I am so with you on the 3rd. I see people around me who have 3 (or more) and they look like big happy child-centered families and I think they must be some kind of superhuman whose hearts and time just magically expand to include more and more kids and what's wrong with me anyway??
When your oldest comes home at age 30-ish and says, "Thank you, Mom" and you say "what for?" and she says "For not killing me when I was 4", you'll know it was all worth it.
I read and understand all you are saying. I want to add some info you don't have here. I am a mother of 2, a boy and a girl born 6 years apart and that was the first problem as they never really became the best of friends and I really wanted them to. Next, our son died a few years ago and now, she has no one. There are cousins (no closely knit relationships there) and she is married with a child of her own but when my husband and I are gone, she has no one else immediate to her and that hurts me. She may not feel the same way, am not sure but it hurts me to know and so am a bit sorry we limited it to only the 2 children. I would have managed and gotten through it just as I did the first 2.
Here here! Hear, hear, too. I did opt for the sterilisation by c-section, because I knew that 40 was way too old to be having a third....
I always enjoy your writings.
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