July 9, 2003

• SSDD

  
  

  (same shit, different day.)

  
  

  Well  yes, I haven't been around for simply AGES. Because since we moved into the house by the sea with a saltwater pool and a gas BBQ - all our friends are treating  us like resort owners, and we have yet to have a weekend alone in 8 weeks.

  
  

  The latest arrival is my mother-in-law. Whom, those of you will remember, is not one  of my favourite people.  Still, she is the kids grandmother, and hell... even she  deserves time with her grandkids. Or so I thought before this extended visit.

  
  

  Hell, this is more than I can bear. My hub leaves for work everyday at 7am, and doesn't return until 8pm. It's a long day,  and most of the time, I feel sorry for him. Not when his mother is here. All I can think of lately is 'that bastard! he doesn't have to deal with her at all, and it was HIS idea she come and stay for 10 days."

  
  

  Okay, so what's so hard about living with her? Read and learn, my lovelies...

  
  

  Transgression #1: She is as deaf as a post, as deaf as a dead parrot on a perch, as deaf as a pail of hair. So the television is up doubleplusloud and  you have to constantly shriek to be heard. And because she can't hear, the conversations have a strangely surreal quality. You can be discussing immigration issues with your husband and she interjects loudly "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN 'TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL? IT'S A LOVELY SHOW..  SO NATURAL AND LOVING." Hello? What the fuck is going on?

  
  

  Trangression #2: She is lazy as fuck, so all she wants to do is watch television all day.  The televsion is on from 7am in the morning until about 3am. Loudly, and without any kind of discretion whatsoever. Jerry Springer, Game shows, soapies, movie-of-the-weeks starring Jane  Seymour... it all assaults your eardrums virtually 24 hours a day. Now, I am not a television snob - I watch plenty. But not all the time. I watch my favourites at night - on Monday, and Thursday,and I am not adverse to the odd Oprah running while I feed the bub. But if there is crapola on, it goes off. Not now, no sirree. And you have to endure the running commentary on such stellar offerings  as 'Lethal Lolita: The Joey Buttfueco Story' and even when you are patently not listening -the monologue doesn't stop. She just thinks you want her to explain  the plot.

  
  

  And she turns up with her laundry. Picture my delight at washing old lady skanky pants. And undergarments that I have only heard  about in Jane Austen novels, not in reality. And  why am I washing them, you ask? Because they need washing and she doesn't want to leave them until she gets home because they will get dirtier.  (no lie, that's what she said).  What kind of houseguest  turns up with 2 Hefty bags full of dirty clothes for you to wash? Huh? So in addition to doing the 2 loads a day I do for a family of four, I am now doing hers. And she rinses out  her  undies (not wash them, nooooooo) and hangs them over the main floor banister where they wave delightly at anyone who comes to the front door. Oh my god, my head just about exploded.

  
  

  Trangression #3: She is as stupid as a box of hammers. No kidding. Words fail me. She needs written instructions to use the tv remote. She  won't answer the phone  because she can't figure out how to use it. (hint: Pick.the.fucking.thing.up!!) She doesn't read anything, so her opinions are formed by what she  watches on television. (er... see #2 above). Not good. She can't work out how to turn off the lights. What is with that, for heaven's sake? Lights have two settings, On  and Off. And light switches  are found in 99.9% of all cases, beside the door. So what is so hard? Last night she got me out of bed at 2am to switch the dining room light off because she.couldn't.work.it.out. My god. I fell to my knees and prayed that my children didn't inherit her brains.

  
  

  Trangression #4 (aka 'We'll  laugh about this when we are older): This ties into #3 as well. As parents of two children under 4, my husband and I get very little  er... adult time. Usually, we wait  until the kids are in bed, then retire ourselves and get some frisky thangs happening. So there we are, Sunday night, getting us some action that hadn't been seen  in over 3 weeks, and there is a knock at the door. 'I CAN'T TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!!'. Hub gets  up, wraps a towel around himself and shows her where the light switch is. Back he runs, hoping that I won't have fallen asleep in the meantime. So, things are re-heating, there we are, rolling around like a couple of crazed weasels, when there is another knock at the door.... 'I CAN'T WORK THE KETTLE, I NEED MY HOT WATER BOTTLES.' He gets out of bed again, (leaving me in a most inopportune position) to show her how the fucking kettle works. (Hint: Turn it on.) Back he runs, and at  the moment of truth - you guessed it, another knock on the door... this time (wait for it, it's good).... 'YOU DIDN'T KISS ME GOODNIGHT'.  Holy fuck. At that point I just started having hysterical giggles and completely and utterly ruined my experience. And hubbys.

  
  

  Transgression #5 - everything else.

  
  

  
  
  • She is always on a diet, yet manages to gobble/suck/chew every nice thing we have in the house, like chocolates, or biscuits. No, she never eats them,  but nevertheless, they are all GONE. Not even Mouse's animal crackers  have  survived the onslaught.
  
  
  • She is always bending down, picking bits of fluff out of the carpet. She can't do  her own laundry, or cook her own meals, but she can find time to find the specks on the rug that prove I didn't vacuum today.
  
  
  • She thinks rinses out her  dishes and stacking them  on the draining board is good.enough. Nevermind the dishwasher right underneath the draining board - she's helping me by stacking them all crusty and waterlogged on the counter for me to put into the dishwasher. Guess what? She can't "figure out how to open the dishwasher, dear."

  
  

  So yes, I want to kill her. Somebody that stupid and deaf deserves to die. I want her gone, I want  her silent  and most of all, I want to have sex with my husband, watch tv at a volume suitable for people without ear trumpets and not have to wash her clothes.

  
  

  I want my life back.

  • 8:40 pm
  • 26 Comments