April 29, 2003
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Blips.
On Houses.
Why do women of a certain age (say, 55 plus) think that mint-green walls and violently pink carpet are the plus de plus of interior decorating? And why oh why is it always the most expensive pink carpet ever made, and why oh why is it only 3 months old?
Why do old folks never install enough electrical outlets? Don't they need to recharge their hearing aids or something?
Who decided that inventing fake stone lino was a really good idea?
When was the design era of fake wood panelling, and why did the people who previously owned my house love it so?
On Toddlers.
Who informed my just three year old that she is, in fact, a 41 year old woman and entitled to all the rights and opinions therein?
How come said three year old can grasp her colours and her ABC's and can count to 15 but fails to understand what being "cheeky" means? Especially when every time she does it, her mother goes apoplectic? Is this some sort of learning disability?
Why is my little one's big bald head such a magnet for my three year old's grimy hands? Despite being threatened?
Why is she never ever satisfied with just hanging around me? Why is she never satisfied with the copious guilty cuddles I give her? Why must she constantly be within 1 cm of me all the time? Why must she climb all over me, hang off my arms, grasp me around my knees, jump on my lap and lick my neck all the goddamn time? Don't kids get skin overload like us grownups???
On that note, why has my three year old metamorphised into the demon spawn from hell? Yes. The move. The baby. Guess what? I don't care anymore. If she doesn't stop acting possessed I will investigate sending her to a boarding school staffed by nuns with hairy chins.
On Babies.
Why isn't my 13lb baby sleeping more than 2.5 hours at a stretch? Is she growing? Have I gestated Paul Bunyan?
Why does she spew up the most god almighty fountain of spew all over me even when she's been sitting upright for the past hour? What is with that, and why can't she ever manage to hit the pukerags?
How can something that smells so good on the top of her head, smell so foul from the other end? (Note to self: Discover the biological and biochemical process that actually occurs when you change milk to shit, cos something is so very very wrong with my child)
On husbands.
How can a 40 year old man still delude himself that he actually will accomplish one-tenth of all the home improvement projects he undertakes? Has he been asleep for the past seven years? Did he miss the part where we paid movers $120 an hour to move an uninstalled air conditioner, a broken treadmill and 4 lamps with various wiring problems? Was I?
Why is he always late for the morning commute, even though his shirts are ironed, his lunch made, his shoes are shined, his mobile phone and his wallet and his keys are carefully laid out, and he has over an hour just to have a cup of coffee and shave and a shit? Does he believe he lives near a wormhole portal?
Why does he persist in telling me that we can afford to visit Calgary this year, buy a new pricey television/DVD and a motorcycle? Does he not grasp the reason behind our move? Is he oblivious to the mortgage payment figure and his weekly paycheck? Does he have thoughts of bumping off his mother for the cash or something? If so, I wish he'd tell me - I could get away with it, I've been planning it for years. Hell, I'd instigate it if he'd only let me in on the plan.
On Everything Else.
Why do all the major crisises in my online communities happen when I have major ones of my own? Why, when I really need to take some time and deal with my online friends woes, do I have absolutely no time to do so? And why do I always compose my best stuff miles away from a computer so it's all gone by the time I have bathed, fed and watered the kids?
Why do I get urgent emails when I haven't been able to be online for days?
Why can I never ever sort out a good time to phone my sisters now that we are off daylight savings time? It's not that hard to work out - but seemingly beyond me. I only ever have a spare 10 minutes when it's 4am their time. I don't think sisterly love extends to grumpy tired husbands woken up with calls from Australia.
Why isn't eating only 2 bars of chocolate a day instead of meals considered a crash diet? And why am I not losing weight by doing this? It's gotta be less calories than what I was eating before.
On that point, why are diets so damn boring? The person who invents the chicken kiev/laksa and Cadbury's diet will make a ruddy fortune.
Why are country folks so damn oddly dressed? My doctor today had a tie with hedgehogs on it. Did his wife buy him that - meaning that there are actually two people in the world who thought that was a nifty male expression of savoir faire?
And why when I have all these thoughts in my head that I'd like to write about, am I only able to jot down these blips before my mind wanders off again?
Argh.
Comments (26)
Why do you always write such an amazingly cogent cri de coeur? Why are you not making millions from this talent, thus rendering it irrelevant that the husband with little to do except don the well-ironed shirt is obviously not pulling his weight? Gosh, I wish I were an agent -- I would SNAP you up.
The milk-to-poop question was always a biggy for me. Not only the smell, but the color. I mean: white to green? It looked like I fed them spring grass!
Big [[[hugs]]].
Jajaja, you need to call the local (or maybe not local if the locals wear funny ties) newspaper to make money out of this!!!
This is genius.
I recently made a comment in my written journal about a 3 yr old hell spawn. Now I'm trying to pack up for a move with him in the house.
If a husband could pack, would you let him?
I know it's been said before, but I'll say it again ... you are the Erma Bombeck for a new age! *huggles* Hang in there ...
truly amazing!
it has really made my day to come in here and see that you have posted,i love reading your work,even if it just blips,lol.
hugs
You sound like you need a day off!
I SO relate. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Argh indeed.
Steve
I'm so glad you wrote. I miss your brash brand of humor and your take on life in general. You always punctuate the point brilliantly. You always manage to find just the right words. You always have such interesting things to say even when you're not trying. And you always seem to make the corners of my mouth turn up wryly when I read them.
How about some pictures of you and the tots next time?
Would love to see.
Wow, can I relate to that. I have one of those , one of those & one of those. My hair smells of spit up, because Isabella perfers my hair over the pukerag. I have two toddlers & a 8 year old that has made an art of talking back. Which I can deal but the teacher isn't so thrilled.
You have a gifted for words & I totally agree that this can be your meal ticket & why the hell not.
~belladonna
so so so so SO good to hear from you. all that shit you wrote about: that's just BECAUSE. you know? it'll get better someday. promise. then you'll get new shit to worry/stress/rant about. promise.
love you!
You made my head spin! Sorry you're feeling so stressed. Forget the trip to calgary, and the tv, and the motorcycle. I think a trip to the spa for mama is in order first.
Focus on the Positive.....
as hard as it may seem
SO when are you going to write a BOOK !!
OMG that is a lot of whys. You sound like my almost three-year old!!
I have a question for you: why would a family with three boys install CARPET in the bathrooms?? imagine it 30 years later and you have my new house.
yes, yes and YES!!
What everyone else said.
Maude, I love you!
...haven't had net access for awhile, but thought I'd make a point of stopping by to wish you a Happy Mothers' Day
With any luck I'll be back before tooooo long to catch up on your life. Until then, take care of you.... 
~~Ren~~
(formerly soul_survivor)
hang in there stressie! i love reading your blog...and I am sending you the fairest, most carefree, sleeping-for-hours-on-end-napping-children vibes I can muster...
That would be "Because," and that is all the answer you are going to get. And though I happen to think hedgehogs are tres chic, I still love you.
((Waves))
Hi Stress. Sending my love!
So I was stressin after a hard morning with the kids.sat on my comp checkin out blogs came across moms with attitude yayyyyyy I feel so at home lol .xx
if i could prop you more, i would! you have a gift, girl, and as sad as it sounds, reading about your chaotic existence makes me feel that mine is at least normal. which one of you is from Calgary? That's where I live.
You are absolutely TOO FUNNY! The blip on knocking off your MIL was priceless! Please pass along any helpful tips for my future MIL - the witch!
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