June 29, 2002

• Waiting.

  
  

  Yeah well, guess who was pregnant? Guess what's becoming gradually clear? Not anymore. No real evidence, just a feeling of something slipping away day by day. Things diminishing when they should be increasing. A hollowness where there should be something.
  
  pleasepleasepleaseplease i'll be a better person, i'll be kinder and nicer.
  
  A feeling of returning to normal, hour by hour.

  
  

  I think my body hasn't got the message yet. Something in my heart has. Nothing feels the way it's supposed to. The way I felt last Thursday is not the way I've felt the last couple of days. Sure, it could just be a different take on things this time around, but I tell you - something isn't right.
  
  pleasepleasepleaseplease i'll go back to church, i'll stop swearing.

  
  

  One way or another, I just wish I knew for sure. Too early to get medical opinions - especially since all the tests last week were positive.

  
  

  pleasepleasepleaseplease i'll spend more time with my kid being a better mother. i'll be a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter.
  
  I lost a baby at 10 weeks before Mouse. I only found out when I went in to the U/S to see the heartbeat. No heartbeat - and there hadn't been for weeks. My body was still merrily humming along, taking care of something that wasn't ever going to get bigger. I waited 3 weeks that time for my body to get in the picture - but it was stubborn, insisting that there was something happening. Until I had to have a d&c and finally end the process.

  
  

  This time, it could be my imagination - I sure hope so. But there's a deep dark streak of something lying across my heart that keeps insisting that it's over. And all the signs agree with it.

  
  

  pleasepleaseplease i'll take better care of myself.

  
  

  One of the hardest things is that no one is listening to me. My hub tells me 'it's all in my head' and my friends just laugh and call me a pessimist. Maybe so. And maybe it is all in my head. It might be alright. It might. But I wish someone would let me talk and explain. I feel like I am alone in this.

  
  

  pleasepleasepleaseplease this is my last chance, i want this so much.
  
  
  When you've spent the last 18 months listening to every creak, twinge, ache and pain of your body - you learn what is there and what isn't. When you've had so many false hopes and bitter disappointments, you learn that life goes on, despite you and what you want. It makes no difference how much I want this, or how careful I have been - if it is meant to be, it will be. And if it isn't, no amount of tears or recriminations or prayers or vows will make it stay.
  
  So hey, if you are out there - send some love  and care my way, and let's hope my natural pessimism has just skewed my world and that everything is alright. The waiting is killing me. And that's really all I can do.
  
  but that doesn't stop me saying pleasepleasepleaseplease and promising everything... and nothing. Because what's it worth, anyway?
  I'll keep you posted.

  • 7:20 pm
  • 28 Comments