April 30, 2002
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Friends.
Recent events in my life have made me ponder the nature of friendship - well, specifically what constitutes a friend in my rare circle of air.
Sometimes friendship is such a cloudy thing. It changes every time you think you've got it sorted out. It's not as clear as it was when you were a kid and your best friend was whomever happened to be playing outside on the sidewalk in front of your house, or had a new two-wheeler.
I have friends that I consider to be my lifeblood, and yet I see them once every 4 or 5 years, and write them Christmas cards and the occasional email or letter every couple of months. And yet, when we do see each other - it's like the past has gone and we pick up right where we left off, stuck inside each other's lives like a cork in a wine bottle. We love each other despite the fact she 'stole' the only serious crush I ever had in high school just because she could, and despite the fact that I crush her like an ant in any philosophical or ethical arguments. Friends because of shared experiences who entangled during our adolescence. We never separated. We fit each other still - even 25 years on and a trio of husbands and babies later.
Then there are the friends I see regularly. We have babies in common and along the diapered road to child raising, we discovered we had the same musical taste, or the same attitudes to books - so we are friends. We hang out, we chat on the phone, we are comfortable with each other. But not too much, there's still a long way to go before we forgive each other minor transgressions. We are friends because of our commonality, and haven't yet figured out whether it's worth it to discover our differences. Like ex-pats in a foreign land who hook up because they both had the same original starting point for their journey.
And there are my "good acquaintances", you know, the ones that you end up hugging blearily in the bar at 3am, swearing you'll call each other next week since this was so great. Uh yeah. We see each other at parties and celebrations in the circle we move in, and always end up staring into our scotches at the end of the night, trying to remember why we don't call each other more often. I think it's because we don't want to find out what we are like on our own, without the comfortable backs of the herd around us. I think it's more about convenience than friendship - a friendly face in an ocean of people we could do without.
So now there's a new twist. Online friends. These straddle all boundaries don't they? Some of my online buddies I have known for a couple of years now, to the point where they fall into the life blood category - or pretty damn near. We've shared horror stories, triumphs and disasters and cut pretty damn near the bone sometimes. But we've never actually met in real life. I still think of them as friends though. We've been through some wars together - separations, childbirth, moves, marital discord - the whole gamut.
And then there are the others. People who I think could be friends, but haven't quite trusted myself enough to follow through yet. The danger with online is that your perceptions could really just be mirrored back at you. (But I've blathered about that before). But I am slowly realising that there is a wealth of nice people out there, like me, who chose the internet as a way of communicating because it got past all the bullshit - and allowed access straight to the heart. No silliness about appearance or accents or skin colour or clothing or any of that superficial stuff that we like to pretend doesn't affect your perceptions - but certainly does.
Words, just words. Nothing more, and perhaps nothing else but friendship through a shared vocabulary. Speaking the same language, the same dialect even, and not being distracted by anything other than the roads down which your words take you.
Pretty trippy.
Comments (16)
The line blurred for me a long time ago with friendship. Now it is what it is and the bouncer at the door of my heart is a much smaller fellow.
...but you like ME best, right?!
Oh my, did I say that out loud?
There are friends, aquaintances and there are people I know. Friends are all different and the degree of friendship depends on how much of myself I want to reveal...and many other ways of defining my friendships.
It's all so true.
Perfectly stated, as usual. I couldn't have manged to state it nearly as well. The internet (and eBay) brought me my closest friend - I trust her with parts of me that rarely see the light of day. I hope I am able to do the same for her - I sure try.
Beautiful.
I am a person who has only recently allowed people to be in my heart. Now, to my dismay sometimes, I am finding that people can come and go as they please and my heart is almost always open. Kind of like a clean and welcoming but not too cheap Inn. It is a good way to grow.
Steve
I'm also, lately, trying to analyze (hee-hee) online relationships. Do we just fill in the blanks about the parts we don't know? Is that called "projecting?" It's like any person you meet and come to know in real life, only you discover the realities about the real-life person much quicker. There are so many things we may never know (so we assume one way or the other) about the online person.
At the same time, it's like those IMAX theatres with the giant surround-screens. They show movies of rollercoasters that can make your stomach turn. So before the movie shows, an announcer comes on and says, "If you start to feel sick, just close your eyes. It is only a movie."
and because you like dr. evil best, and because she adores me, you adore me, too -- right? right? o.k. then. glad we've got that sorted out.
"a friendly face in an ocean of people we could do without" That is great! And the only thing I am truly looking for on my ongoing quest for a real girl friend.
There are so many different levels of friends, aren't there? Well put SM.
"not being distracted by anything other than the roads down which your words take you."
....you said it:)
I've heard it said that most people never have more than three good friends in a lifetime. I don't know where that came from or how accurate that is. I know that I have a group of about 6 friends spread across the country that I'd trust with my life. And I have a host of acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with, but wouldn't presume to share anything intimate with them. Hmmmmm. Excellent blog.
My Mama always told me, when I would complain about my friends (I have a few of those "trust with my life" friends I only see once every few years and not many of the other kinds, because--well, fuck--who has time for that?) that I should remember there are people who go through this life with NO ONE they could trust their life and secrets to. And that I am damn lucky--so are you. Why worry where your heart goes? Who said something about he bouncer at the door of their heart being much smaller these days? We get born, we die. The rest is just gravy.
Those friends we only see every four or five years -- it makes me seriously question what was ever worth moving for. And how I took so many lunches, phone calls, play dates, garage sales, hugs, bake fests, hikes.. oh, all of it that was so easy back then, for granted.
Excellent post. Thanks.
There are people who are better than average judges of character in real life (eyes, inflection, nonverbalities), and people who are better than average judges through writing. I am only a fair to middlin' judge in person. But I have never once become friends with someone through the written word and then met them in person and been wrong in my judgement. And I have met a dozen or more. But I have come to trust my perceptions.
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