April 9, 2002

  • Blank.
    I can't think of anything to write today, yet I promised myself that I would try to write everyday, even if it's merely the linguistic diarrhea of a disfunctional brain. Where's the Peptobismol?



    Why I am Blank.
    I am tired. My child is having night terrors, which cause her to wake up screaming about 'big fish' and 'monstas' at 3am. That means I get up and lug her into bed with me, where she instantly falls asleep, arms around my neck, and kicks the shit out of me all night.
    Question: Why don't kids ever sleep in when they've had a rough night? Why are they just as chipper on 4 hours less sleep when you are a growling headachy zombie?


    I am exhausted. There are all sorts of dramas going on around me and every time I think I have one smoothed down, another one sits up and asks me to unruffle its feathers. Some days I feel like mother to the world. And who's mothering me?
    Question: Why do people always think that I can fix what's broken or sort things out? I can't. I often make things worse. Just look at my life.


    I am worn out. I need a vacation. We haven't had a vacation of any kind in a year and a half, and trust me, it's been the kind of year that simply begs to be sitting in a lounger by a pool drinking umbrella drinks and being fanned by bronzed cabana boys. I have this fantasy of taking off by myself with a shopping bag full of Makers Mark and some crime novels - but I think we have enough money to get me to the next block. And we need a family holiday more than I need one all on my lonesome.
    Question: Is a vacation somewhere you go to leave your real life behind or to find your real life? And can someone tell me what you do when a vacation isn't an option?


    I am weary. I am weary of the tug of war that passes for my marriage. We have two good weeks and then a crappy day and then triplets of careful avoidance. I just want this journey we are on to be over. I sometimes imagine being 70 years old and laughing about all this, but I sure ain't laughing now. Stop already. Let the fun begin. AGAIN.
    Question: After all this time, is there any chance that we can both let go of 18 months of grudges and get on with being happy? Does it always have to be so much hard work? Can't it be easy for once?


    I am bored. I love my child and I love spending time with her. But the unrelenting monotony of the days is grinding my bones into dust lately. LaundryCookingCleaningTidyingRepeat. Weekends I get a break thanks to hub but then it looks like CookingCleaningTidyingRepeat. Interspersed with having a giggle with my kid of course, but understand me - singing 'The Wheels on the Bus' for the 9th time gets boring too. So does warding off tantrums; wiping noses, negotiating the eating of carrots and picking up the Lego for the umpteenth time. So does not having an adult conversation about books, politics, feminism or anything else that matters to me. Mattered to me. Once.
    Question: Since it is a privilege to stay home in this cut throat economy, do I have any right at all to bitch?


    So that's my entry for today. I am cradling my child in my lap and she appears to be getting another cold. More sleepless nights ahead, poor little one.
    Question: If they can put a space shuttle in orbit, why can't they find some precious substance out of toddler snot?

Comments (19)

  • Sounds like no rest for the weary.  Sorry to hear that you are so worn out.  I don't have any children yet, so I can't even imagine how they must drain you. 

    Sorry to hear about your martial problems as well. 

    Maybe you could get on a vacation with your husband so you two can refocas on your lives.

  • All good questions, Stress.  Without good answers, but people like us always tend to ask that kind of questions, don't we?  {{{HUGS}}}

  • I have been where you are and I am there now in some areas of life. The only solace I have found is that this won't be forever. This too shall pass and you'll be a stronger person for having gone through it.

    Steve

  • For someone who had nothing to day, you've managed to write a wonderful summary of the difficult questions, and the trials of motherhood.

  • ((((((((((((Stressie))))))))))))

    Here I offer you, two of my favorite words.

    Gin & Tonic.

    I love you and small children think drunk mommies are funny, atleast when I was a kid I did...

    xo

  • excellent questions stressie...i'm wondering if this goes to thane's famous quote "that which does not kill us should make us dinner"  - will they indeed be cooking for us one day?  i suspect my boys will have me locked in a nut house....aaauuuggghhh.  big fat smooch.

  • Yes...vacation is PRECISELY what you do to leave your real life behind!  But inevitably - you've always got to come "back home." 

    Kids are NEVER, EVER tired.  Hard to believe so much energy in such teeny little bodies!  Hang in there.  Seems like you've ALWAYS got something to say from what I can tell.  Sounds like you're a dedicated person.  Not many of them left anymore...hang in there, hope things improve. 

  • I have nothing to say.

  • I'd love to be able to answer your questions; but I don't really know the answers myself.  I'll try, though; and maybe my misguided sense of humor will cheer you up a little bit.

    1.  Because kids are the debbil.

    2.  Because people are a-holes.  Selfish a-holes.

    3.  You leave your real life behind on vacation.  Unless you're a mom; that is.  Even in Paradise, a kid will still need it's nose wiped.  And if you can't take a vacation; send everyone else packing for a while.  Just a few hours by yourself with nothing useful to do can be very nice.

    4.  Happiness is overrated.  And the only really easy part is the arguing, sometimes.  But look at it this way: if it was always easy; would you really want it?

    5.  Bitch as much as you want!  I've been both a stay-at-home mom and a working-outside-the-home mom; and neither one is easy.

    6.  Toddler snot is a wonderful substitute for glue.  Trust me on this one!

  • Sorry you are having such a shitty time. And yes, you do have the right to bitch, even if you do feel "privileged" to be able to stay at home. SAHM need relief too and a couple hours of daddy time is all too often used up by more cleaning/laundry etc. instead of some much-needed recharge time.

  • Yes you do because staying home with kidlets is hella HARD! It is mind crushingly hard hard hard.

    What can I say? Eleven years and homeschooling I'm happy at home now but I think it's because I went crazy.

  • I think you are an incredibly talented, witty,  and funny writer.  You should write a sitcom about your life and then sell it to TV where you can make tons of money.  I'm sorry things are on the down side of things right now, but it's wonderful that you are still able to maintain your sense of humor through it all.

  • Ah - I'll be your (younger) mommy (hee-hee)!

  • Lu, darling - what can I say except that I 'luff, lerve and loov' you and that I have been a bit of where you are? the kingdom of the two year old....them darn kids start to get some kind of sense eventually,...and so do you? really?! no, it's true. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    sinead

  • Amen and pass the Pim's.  Today I fed my kid rice krispy squares for breakfast (I picked out the gummy worms, and hey, it's CEREAL right?)!!!  Luv you.

  • All great questions, if you get the answers will you share please?

  • Just the fact that you're able to put into words these questions impresses me.  I'm usually just so confused that I don't even have a question to ponder!

  • I feel the same way. I have just never worded it as good as you just did. Maybe because I am too tired! :)

  • Unnnnnnnngh...my back hurts.

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