April 2, 2002
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Suck.
NOTE: This is not about Larston.
I had a long internal debate as to whether to post this. But I have never backed away before, and I am not about to now.
I am talking about the kind of people who suck you dry and then leave you when you don't have any more to give. Those folks for whom just existing, is exhausting. Who are born with thinner skins, or less filters against the world than the rest of us. Who ask you for advice and you give it. And give it. And give it. Until you realise that it's not your advice they want, they want your total and immediate attention.
You care about these people. You lose sleep, you agonise, and you wring your hands and imagine the worst. And then… it blows over. And then it begins again. And yet again. And still again.
The dramas are real - they aren't imagined. They are just so frequent. And so overwhelming.
I guess I am not a good friend. I guess when other people kept going, I started to back away… saying 'no more'. I am not proud of that - but what else could I do? There are limits to my emotional resources. When every week brings a new crisis, each as heartrending and dramatic as the last one - how can I constantly respond at fever pitch? I spent so much time propping up that there was nothing left for me or my family. I missed things going on in my own life, because I was so focussed somewhere else.
I became hollow. Immune to the latest sagas. Something I never thought I'd be. When the biggest crisis came, I wasn't there. I was concentrating on myself and mine.
Not a nice person in retrospect. Harder than I want to be. Harder than I thought I was. There was simply no.more.left. It wasn't malicious - it was self-preservation.
It is bewildering when someone you've loved, shuts you down because you weren't fast enough with the responses, or not understanding enough, or maybe just exhausted.
I've gone from being a dear friend to someone talked about in secret. And I know it's going on. People talk. It hurts. I spent an awful lot of time being supportive and caring. And it wasn't faked. I did care, and I did give a damn. But *poof!* I am cast aside.
I am suddenly Not Useful. Cut loose. Silence. No real explanation. A whole history gone.
Just
Like
That.
Be well, my former friend. Really. I still worry and I still wonder. But I have my life to deal with, and it needs me.
Comments (21)
nathan wrong with that.
Certain people *thrive* on the drama and cannot live without it....however unhealthy it is for people around them. In fact, I'm sure that you weren't the only person who got swept up in the whirlwind and became resentful. No matter how giving and caring someone is, you have to look after your own health and safety and wellbeing first. That's not being selfish in the least bit......
I could have written this. Not as well. But without changing a single point or altering an emphasis. Spot on.
It does hurt. It is self-preservation. It still hurts.
I have a friend in RL like that. I love her to pieces, but not a day, not a phone call, goes by that she isn't in crisis with someone has a fever of 104, or is screaming in pain, or puking. Her son can puke on cue, and I know it because I've seen him do it. It's hard to put it all out there all the time. I'm still friends with her, but at a distance. She drains me.
Best thing I've found for a drowning man is to throw him an anchor.
WOW... you need to sae yoruself from time to time instead of others. If I feela crisis coming on from one friend, I call her ahead of time and tell her I am out of commision and that the last one was too much. I am lucky, she understands.
Love you.
Yes, there are people like that. I've had to tell someone to not call me again until they get some help for themselves. It was hard, but necessary for me to do at that point in my life. (She did get help, and it was the best thing that happened to her. I was not the help she needed.)
I had another friend who lived the drama constantly, and it really gets old. I changed jobs and moved, (not because of her
) and that pretty much ended that one.
My aunt insists that she be the most important thing in your life if she is in your life. She is currently not speaking to me because I couldn't do that.
*shrug* I miss these friends/family, but not the stress they created. Since one comes with the other, it's a toss-up.
I hope you find peace with this.
Sounds wonderfully healthy to me!
hey, you only got yourself to get through the day with, hm? you can't do everything the way others would like it to be. you are spread too thin, lovely lady.
I gotta say that I agree with Miss Zoo. I've been through the same kind of thing with people more times than I like to admit; and it is a complete soul-sucking drain on my emotions. True friends don't do that. Everyone has problems once in a while; and that's fine if they need someone to help them through their problems. But every day? No. Too much. I don't do it anymore. I'm getting so that I can smell the drama queens a mile away; and I'm finally getting smart enough to steer clear of them. I know it sounds horribly cold and unfeeling; but trust me; they'll find someone else to cry to; they always do. I've just stopped enabling them. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Sorry for the added angst in your life. I know you don't need it. Here's wishing you some calm.
yeah, some people are always needing support. ALWAYS! it's draining to always be the shoulder to cry on and never the cryer.
I have to agree with THYRIO, When is it ever my turn to lean on someone?
HawUUUGE departure for me...but...are you ready? Who said we have to be nice? Or give a shit about being seen as being nice? Sometimes you have to sort out your priorities and say "Screw everyone else for the time being MY family comes first".
I spent a year propping up someone only to discover that as soon as I needed some propping, they were onto someone else. Made me tougher? Maybe. More importantly I learned that sometimes the drama is a means to an end for some people. I'm workin' on recognizing those folks and avoiding them like the plague. DON'T beat yourself up too much - as much as it might hurt your ego, is it possible you were just a prop in their stage play?
Big hugs and smoochy kisses.
love you, more than ever. thank you for writing something that i tend to keep bottled up.
excellent commentary. some people are just emotional vampires, they thrive on attention and drama. the best thing for both you and them is to cut them loose. don't lose sleep over it.
I attract people like this. Very nice job describing what it's like trying to maintain a relationship with someone who sucks you dry. And not in a good way! Ew.
When someone is shoveling shit faster than you can keep up, get a dumptruck and give em hell. Or what James said either way is fine.
Steve
i think everyone has someone in their life like this. no matter what you have going on, their drama always takes priority.
I am fairly new to Xanga but wanted to say I'm glad to hear I'm not the only "crusader rabbit" out there who feels so compelled to help people. It has ended up with me being extremely depressed and in a rather lousy physical state (hopefully testing for fibro soon). I am learning how to say no and refuse the stress load. In my case much of it is from my Mother - my younger sister is so proud that I am finally standing up to her manipulating, controlling ways. Your posts have been very meaningful - keep up the great work!
Shari
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