March 10, 2002
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Despair.
Went to see the IVF clinic today.
The process sounds incredibly daunting. And painful. And heartbreaking, to be quite honest.
While the nurse was explaining things, Hub was getting visibly agitated. He is angry. Angry that this is what it’s come down to. Angry that I don’t believe we have much of a chance on our own. But then, he is an angry kind of guy. I think he feels like he needs to ‘fix’ something, but isn’t quite sure what to fix, and so he’s angry about it.
I can understand his anger. it seems really unfair. It seems incredibly unfair that we have to shell out money to have the possibility of our next child conceived in a lab.
All those years we sat around and said ‘yeah, we want kids, but we want to wait until we are settled’. Weren’t we arrogant?
He wants to keep going. He must think I am 30. No matter how many charts or articles I put before him, he has blinkers on. He doesn’t get it. He wants it badly, therefore, it MUST happen. He can't see past that.
I know better. I do.
I surprised myself.
Yes, I was weepy, and teary and frankly, I feel like shit.
But I think I am going to say ‘no’ to IVF. I think. I don’t think I can stand the distress, I don’t think our relationship can stand the stress, I don’t think the child I already have, needs parents who are on different sides of the fence on this issue. One of us will have to grimly admit defeat and adopt the other’s position. Either way we lose. If he joins me, he will have deep moral reservations and think we are giving up, and if I join him, I will be mentally ticking off yet another month that I did what he wanted and still no baby. And let’s be honest, resenting the hell out of him.
Time to get my head together. Time to make my peace.
Enough for heaven’s sakes.
Disapproval from family members who don’t have a fucking clue.
Little if no support from family, come to think of it.
$5000 we don’t have.
Scare stories in the media about a higher incidence of birth defects and mental disabilities.
A 15% chance of succeeding.
Becoming a hormonal pin cushion.
If it happens, it happens.
Enough already.
Time to realise that the child I have is good enough for me, and good enough for anybody. That she is good enough to take the place of a hundred children I will never have.
Maybe if I repeat it to myself often enough, it will make the deep sense of loss go away.
But I feel like something has died. I know I should be braver and tougher and stronger but I am not.
Comments (18)
I'm sorry.
I think you are brave.
my friends tried and tried and tried and were frustrated and tried again. their clocks were ticking and they had NO TIME TO WASTE.
they went to the clinic and went throught the process. they got pregnant.
then they had their child and things were wonderful. 3 months later they were pregnant again.
they thought they couldn't have children on their own and weren't even tyring.
funny how things work.
good luck with whatever you decide.
I am so sorry.
much love
Sara
My heart breaks for you. The pain of not being able to have a child you deperatly want is a deep pain. I'm sorry you aren't finding more support for something so important to you.
Strength.
If you can truly get to the place in your heart that you just described you will find the peace you are seeking. Acceptance is a powerful force.
Steve
No words. None seem adequate.
I wish you peace.
((Hugs)) Peace. Faith.
I'm so sorry.
Silly me. I don't think you "should" be anything. You are in process. This is part of the process. It will keep moving and so will you. You seem to be processing quite effectively.
Love.
sometimes i dont think i tell you how much i love you.
smooches
You are brave!! I'm sorry that you are disappointed and feeling so raw...thinking of you...
Hey thanks everyone. I am still trying to get thru hour by hour but I know that I will eventually get there. I will, I have enough faith in me. But it helps to know you are all out there.
Stress...I wish there was something I could say to help, but I feel completely inadequate.
As for your husband's anger -- anger seems to be the only socially acceptable emotion for men to display, so sometimes it's what happens (on the outside) when the very same emotions that you are feeling are happening inside with your husband...
My heart aches for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I sent my friend Jim (Gadwall) over to visit you last nigh; and I see from a comment that you left at his site that you're originally Canadian. Cool. Even if you have abandoned the rest of us Canucks for warmer climes.
BIG bear hug (with some tears thrown in).
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