March 2, 2002

  • Awkwardness.


    I was rubbing my kid’s beautiful soft back after her bath, and I thought ‘I hope some day, her lover touches her with as much love as my hands are showing her now’.


    They are showing ‘Grease’ on TV. John Travolta is ugly. I don’t care, he is. He was ugly then when he had snake hips, and he’s ugly now when he has a double chin. I might still watch ‘Saturday Night Fever’ though – it’s on later. I was 16 when it came out, and had to sneak into the theatre to see it. I think it was because I wanted to see the sex scene in the car.


    I was hopelessly naïve about sex. In fact, I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 18. All around me, girls were shagging like monkeys and I wandered through high school, clutching my books to my chest, composing bad poetry in my head and wishing I was Sylvia Plath.


     I was the kid in the back who knew all the answers but doodled on her books instead. Who actually read the reading assignments in English and decided she was in love with Leonard Cohen.


    I actually cut classes to read in the library. I was in such a hurry to grow up and be tortured and brooding.


    I look at pictures of myself and I was tall and gorgeous. No lie. I have never looked that good since and will never look that good again. 5’11” and 150 pounds with curves and beautiful skin. And all I felt was ugly and out of step with everything.


    I was always a beat behind with teenage culture, and terrified anyone would find out. And I bet I wasn’t the only one.


    Self absorption is the curse of the adolescent.


    Oh god, I wish I could spare my daughter high school. She’ll either be a hopeless ghost in the halls like me, or some popular kid who makes other little ghosts feel hopeless.


    Maybe I should just press the fast forward button when she hits her teens. I’d like to spare her all of that, no matter how character building it may be. It’s not rational, I know.


    But it just IS.

Comments (12)

  • I could have written this entry! (Only I am 5'10" and weigh 145lbs).

  • I was a hopeless ghost in school... still am. Hence, the name.

    I'm 23, and still a v...

  • WOW... IF those are picutures of you, you are right, you are pretty.   I felt the same way as you in highschool, but was outgoing. 

  • Thanks for the compliments. Most of what I have done on my site can be done through the header of your 'look and feel' page. Let me know what you want to do and I might be able to help.

    BTW--what are you doing drinking wine at 7:28 am on a Saturday morning?

  • *whistling* what a looker!

    I know what you mean. I haven't met anyone who felt comfortable in high school no matter what rung of the social ladder they stood on. I work with my kids to ease the situation but it's just something I think everyone has to go through. I was the quiet nice guy. Well, until my junior year then I turned to rebelion.

  • I hear you. We've got friends with children just coming into the teen years. It is horrible. I feel for them. Just watching their emotions slam them from one side to the other is tiring.

  • I was the one who sat in the front row so I could be teacher's pet...sigh...also because I couldn't see the board if I sat in the back (bad eyes).  I was friends with the girls with glasses who sat in the back though, and I would drag them to the front with me, so neither of us would be alone.  Then the teacher would notice them too...and I wouldn't go to the prom unless my date brought a date for them.

    I wish we'd been in school together.

    Our kids will be fine.  Our kids will be fine.  Our kids will be fine.  Third time's a charm.

  • My mom was part of the "elite" group, always, smart and pretty but never perfect. I'm not perfect, not especially pretty, but I'm not going to call myself stupid. I don't particularly like studying or anything but I do it anyways. I enjoy high school to a certain degree... I'm on the newspaper editorial staff, I play volleyball and hockey, I am on the speech team, I'm a violinist, am a Student Council Rep.... I do too much and I'm starting to hate it. Going to drop speech and Student Council and volleyball to do what I really enjoy.

    I wish there weren't so many cliques at my school, although I "fit" in many of them (Forensics[speech]/drama group, "preppy" group, hockey group...). I have friends that are "everything" and do what they want and don't try and impress. I stopped trying to impress a long time ago, that is part of why I am dropping so many activities. My GPA and all is good enough for colleges if I'm already getting 10 letters a day.

    High school isn't such a waste though, in my opinion. You learn who you are and how people are. I learned how stupid people are. I wish some of my friends wouldn't drop out... they're missing a lot.

  • I know what you mean about your daughter - I try to teach my daughter that her body is precious and that she is so special.  I hope one days she has the loving thing happening - fo rherself and for others.  (well maybe when she's 30 - but NOT BEFORE!!)

    Thank you for sharing your honesty about you too.

  • I have been 5'11 since mid through high school and was  constantly dubbed as being scary and therefore people would leave me alone. That could have also been because my brother was 6'5 and he was scary.

    I did love high school, but wouldnt want to do it again. I am wondering when i have kids, which sex would be easier to bring up in the world we live in.. I think its going to be quite difficult either way.

    btw, those are gorgeous pics of you :)

  • I think you would have been on the newspaper staff with Larston and I in high school.  And we would have been friends, only Larston would have had to introduce us, because she drags me along for the ride in oh, so many ways...

  • You definitely weren't the only one. I like to claim I was never that age. But fantastic pix I must concur!

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