February 23, 2002

• Flaws.

  
  

  It has been brought to my attention that I am coming across as if I considered myself to be completely without blame in the slow rotting of my marriage.

  
  

  *Light bulb thought and feet of clay moment*

  
  

  Well of course I am hardly going to make myself look bad, am I?

  
  

   Oops, so much for honesty, I say sheepishly.

  
  

  So let’s be brutal shall we? Because I am very aware of my participation and contribution to the decline of the union, so to speak. It isn’t pretty.

  
  

  In keeping with the fad for lists around this place lately:

  
  

  
  
  1. 
     
     I have such high expectations of myself, that I accept nothing less from people I love. This must be terrible to live with. Imagine knowing when you wake up, that you are doomed to failure. That even the simple act of taking out the trash will not be done properly. Ack!(sez Bill The Cat). I am trying my best to accept flaws and warts and farts and all other sorts of mortal stuff about the people who matter to me but let’s face it when you strive for nothing less than perfection, who knows what my twisted mind considers to be ‘settling for less than’. Prolly mixing up the glass and the plastic recyclables. Personally, I’d go back to bed with the covers over my head and pretend daily deafness.
  
  
  2. 
     
     I wrestle self-loathing on a daily basis. How can this coincide with No. 1, you ask? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s the Groucho Marx in me – I cannot trust anyone who actually thinks I am terrific because I know what a horrendous, weaselly, castrating bitch I can be. So if you love me, you are majorly fucked up, okay? You are obviously substandard cos well, I am, and everyone knows you seek your own level.
  
  
  3. 
     
     I have little impulse control. That, coupled with a smart mouth – means I am lethal when you piss me off. Unfortunately, the icing on the cake is a widely read mind, which can twist you up in knots as I yank your chain tighter. And yeah. I get a fleeting thrill of victory when I rip out a perfect ‘no comeback’ line. For about 10 seconds. Unless you said something really hurtful to begin with, and then I hug that line to myself all day as you would a cherished toy. And take it out and stroke it when I get an attack of conscience.
  
  
  4. 
     
     I have an black Irish temper and I have lines that.You. Dare. Not. Cross. I am unforgiving of transgressors, and while I play out the line for a long while on those I love, once that line snaps, fuck you. I have written people off and never lost a moments sleep about it. It is irrevocable once it has gotten to that point.  Bye bye and don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out of my life. Smell ya baybee, here’s a hankie to dry your tears!
  
  
  5. 
     
     I am a control junkie the likes the world has never seen before. I am better now that I am a mother, cos you try controlling a two year old with an attitude but my god – do I want to make sure that everything is done perfectly and that means. MY. WAY. Or I will rip whatever you are doing out of your hands and do it myself. (Of course, it will be done better and more efficiently, but even I know that isn’t the point. Don’t throw rocks at me, okay? But it will be done better. Oh yes, it will….)
  
  
  6. 
     
     I am a judgemental cow. Oh not so much about my friends, but with myself. I judge myself constantly and find myself morally suspect or less charitable than I feel I ought to be. I guess I want to be a saint but I am too carnal. I would be a Buddhist if I thought I could drink, smoke and rip off nasty one liners (see No. 3)
  
  
  7. 
     
     I am responsible for the whole world’s happiness and everyone needs to understand that I take it personally when you are upset. Okay? Are we clear? If you hate my web board, it’s my fault. If you have a fight with a mutual friend – hey, blame it on me, I caused it. Hate your life? Well, dammit – I should have worked harder at making it better for you. Is there world hunger, no rainforests, crap living conditions for the aged/poor and borderline mentally ill? All. My. Fault. I voted wrong, or didn’t volunteer enough. You think I am kidding, I am not. Why on earth else  do I battle depression???

  
  

  So there you have it – there are more, like I always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle and my hub had to go out and BUY the kind with the attached cap cos I never replace it. I am untidy like a frat boy and prone to secret junk food binges. And I hate sharing. Mine mine mine – look at this as the result of being the oldest in a family of four girls who always wanted to use/borrow/wear my stuff and it sorta makes sense. But really, who can’t share their shampoo for fucksakes? What kind of person HIDES their facial cleanser?

  
  

  But back to the important shit.

  
  

  So yeah, while I gaily and vigorously catalogue the hub’s failings, let’s not forget here that I am no Mary Tyler Moore. I am no Tippi Hedren. I am sure some times he comes home and thinks ‘holy shit, she’s on the warpath again’. And searches around for something to hide behind. And in all honesty, who could blame him?

  
  

  But at least I take responsibility for how I am. When you get to my age, you realise that no one caused you, but you. I made me, no one else did. I can’t blame my parents, my upbringing, or my exes.

  
  

  I had great parents who loved me and a wonderful home life. I have great sisters who are smart and funny and supportive and live lives that don’t make me gag with moral superiority.

  
  

  Every ex-man I had was eventually okay. They met and married fine women who I sorta like. And the issues we had were as much mine as theirs.  It takes two to destroy each other. Especially the way we managed to.

  
  

  Every step of the way, I chose to react the way I did. I chose to hang on to those flaws instead of working on them. Me, just ME.

  
  

  So where does that leave me? I don’t know. But sure as hell not blameless. Maybe just trying to work things out, one day and one blog at a time.

  • 4:29 am
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