February 20, 2002
-
Tough Talk.
Everyone keeps saying that I need to have my marital issues worked out before I try for another child. Or maybe that I should be getting my hub and myself in order before I start wallowing and hand wringing over my options.
I don’t see it like that at all.
Why the fuck do I need to work things out with him? At worst, he’s the sperm donor, at best; he’ll stick around and be a father and we’ll have survived this, or compromised or something…
I want another child.
I want another child.
I am a terrific mother. I know I am, so what if I am a lousy wife or disinterested lover? When I have all of this to give another kid, and still barrels left over for the wondrous little girl I already have?
When it practically spills out over me every minute of the day, whenever I look at her?
What has my inability to pick adult men as life partners got to do with the capacity I have for mothering and nurturing and educating and laughing and swinging kids up in the air before thumping them down into bed with the mummy-monster? Does it affect my infinite patience when reading ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ in all the funny voices and growls? When I’ve had 3 hours sleep for the second week a row?
I think not.
And before I get the comments about ‘a child needs her father’ – let’s be clear on this. Should my hub and I not make it – I am not advocating hiding my children in a cave somewhere and living on bark and berries so he never finds us. I am not talking about speaking to him through the screen door with a carving knife because I can’t stand to breathe the same air as him.
I repeat, just because he may be a lousy husband and a crappy mate, doesn’t make him a bad father – so why wouldn’t he still be around in a parental capacity? I am still friends with my first husband, who on an asshole scale – is somewhere around the boiling point of steel. I worked on that – I am proud of that, and he worked on that too – we got rid of all the stuff that made us lousy lovers and kept what made us friends. I did it once; I can do it again – especially when there’s more at stake than my own sorry ass.
I don’t have the fucking luxury to sit around on a counselling couch for the next year and ‘work on my relationship’. The clock is ticking. I have already wasted enough time working on this relationship. We have been through this already, we had innumerable talks and countless emotional sessions where everything will change and be better. It just repeats and repeats and repeats.
Enough already. I have tried and accepted and shut up and yelled and all I can say is "Enough!"
This time is different. It will either work, or it won’t. I am trying, he is trying. Let’s assume that. I give us that much. I give us that we want to stay together for our child and because we do still love each other. BUT (and this is a big BUT):
I want another child now. I am old and while women do have children who are older than I - it's rare enough I don't want to pin my hopes on a miracle at 45.
That’s it, that is all – I don’t care if the donor is a turkey baster, though I’d prefer it to be the man that at leat 60% of the time I reasonably like, and who has shown himself to be a loving if somewhat lazy dad. And it saves a lot of time.
But as much as I love men, I don’t need a man to make me complete. I don’t need THIS man to make me complete. No woman needs a man to be complete. It’s not what women ARE. It’s not what I am, and if anything, the sorry sad state of my current union has made that all too clear to me.
And I definitely don’t need him around all the time if things don’t change. He puts precious little real time into the hard yakka of parenthood anyway – so he can spend his 2 or 3 hours on the weekend with his children having fun and then fuck off. If that is what it takes. Wouldn’t change much that’s going on already. It's not like he has any actual IMPACT on her right now - she comes to me when she needs comfort, help, a cuddle, a story, her shoes tied - even if he is sitting right there, TV remote in hand. Except I’d have my children and wouldn’t be torn between them and him. He either gets with the program, we either get with the program, or we don’t.
I am committed. But not to the point of insanity.
I would still be the mother I am.
Sorry if this sounds harsh and cold, but that’s what it is.
No prettier, no nicer than this.
Feeling old, barren and hollow, isn’t the only thing that keeps me awake and wandering the house at 3am lately.
Comments (21)
doesn't sound harsh or cold to me at all...just honest, and i happen to agree...amen to all of that.
It was a very honest blog. You gotta do what makes you happy.
You know there is very little love in my heart for a certain sperm donor (hmmm I guess that doesn't narrow it down enough, does it?)...I TOTALLY agree with your reasoning and back you 100%. Hey, in for a penny, in for a pound, I always say.
I think you've given it (relationships, your capacity as a mom, etc) more thought than most people who are having babies...
You are an amazing individual. Kids are hearty things they can end up making something of themselves even if they have half-assed mothers and no fathers. So I am not worried that your child or children would lack anything. Also, your vim and vigor for motherhood should be applauded if not awarded! Best of luck to you!
most important is that it is your decision and not that of others ....
back for more smoochin':
SMOOCH.
You gotta do what is right for you. This is no one's choice but your own, and I happen to agree with everything you just said. This is the 21st century, and women with children no longer have to have a man living in the house with them to have children.
Chase your dream. It belongs to you, and you will do a fine job, just as you did with your Mouse.
I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
You can certainly have a baby without working it out with your husband. I agree with you.
I'm taking the fifth.
Reality works...
M
I think I'll take the fifth with James.
Point taken. You sound much more decided and strong with it. I have never believed that you had to have a man around to have another child, or that you are not capable of doing it alone. If you feel strong and sure then more power to you.
A fifth of what? can I have some?
More smooching.
hey all, don't take the fifth, cos it's not like it isn't BLATANTLY apparent how you feel. c'mon, tell it. if you've been reading me regularly, you know i can dish it out as well as take it. and you never know, it may make me think. i promise not to call you a doodyhead.
and as for the rest of youse. thanks. just thanks, okay? still got my head up my ass, but i pulled it out with a loud sucking sound to say... thanks.
I like to be responsible with my comments. If I think I've got something to say that can make a difference without starting world fucking war three I'll do it. If it is something that would involve more time and communication than this venue allows I will try to be supportive without rocking your boat. It's not you getting bent out of shape concerns me. It's not that I don't care. There are just some things done better without an audience.
i know people who tried to have children to save their relationships.
if you know it's shot....go for it. it's not like you're going to get disappionted.
at least you know he/she will match the others.
Hey, whatever floats your boat. It's your prerogative. Good luck either way. Go with whatever your heart desires.
They say there never is really the RIGHT time to have a child, I'd agree to that.
And you can't bother me I was serious you can email me ANYTIME you want!
I'm not going to pass judgement on you or your situation because frankly, I don't know you or your situation.
But if I were the "sperm donor" there isn't a chance in hell I'd let any woman in the world relegate me to a few hours a week with my children.
You may be able to give your children infinite love and affection, but (and I speak from experience) not having an active father, no matter how stable the home is, is troubling at the very least.
You're welcome to do what you wish with your life, I hope I haven't insulted you here, but what do you think your child would think if s/he ever read this blog?
Para, I don't relegate - that's ALL HE wants to spend NOW, I wouldn't imagine that would change if we broke up. I would adore it if he'd show more interest. He says he wants another child, I figure it's an ego thing. Cos he sure as shit doesn't show any other kind of interest.
And it would depend on what age my child was when she read this - I doubt very much that most of what I have written will come as a surprise, I can only cover for him so far. Oh yeah, why should I have to again? Explain it to me cos I musta forgot.
Comments are closed.