February 18, 2002
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Turmoil.
The Infertility Doc sez “IVF”. That’s it. The definitive and final answer.
In the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep.
I get up and wander through the house, picking things up and looking at them distractedly and then putting them back somewhere else.
The brochure from the IVF Clinic is on the kitchen counter.
I lie awake and dream about the girl and never ever think of counting sheep.
I am reading all the brochures, over and over again. It’s 3am. My child is asleep in my bed, warm and smelling of sweet dreams. Her arm is over my pillow. She sighs and turns over and whimpers – a bad dream? What on earth can a 2 year old find bad enough to upset her sleep?
A lot of money. A lot of money.
I have one child.
We are not rich.
I am not sure I am strong enough to deal with the disappointment.
When the whole wide world has learnt its lesson.
Am I strong enough to deal with giving up?
I read the words again. Read the chances of success for a woman in my age bracket. Just over 16%
“Severe emotional side effects”. No fucking kidding.
Can I be a good mother to the child I have and go through this?
Can I be a mother at all if I don’t go through this?
The angst has been eating away at me for months. I thought I’d made my peace, but this has uncovered things I thought I’d laid to rest.
What will it take for me to move on?
Can I get closure any other way?
Visions of other babies, my babies past and future drift into my head.
You’d be hers, if only she would call.
I sit at the kitchen table, and look out into the garden. It’s dark and the wind is blowing and nowhere in the world is lonelier than where I am right now.
In the wee small hours of the morning, that’s the time you miss her most of all.
(words and music D. Mann/B. Hillarid - recorded on Feb 17, 1955 - Frank Sinatra)
Comments (19)
Im sure you have heard this before.. "You have one child if you never have another at least you have her?" ..... but I guess thats no consulation.
Well ... my particular fav. version of this song is Carly Simons ...
You just made me cry.
i am sorry for your pain...if talking would help, please feel free to email...
My offer still holds, and I was totally serious.
Well, that sucks. I'm betting you'll come out stronger on the other side of this. Hell, you'll have to. You always have before.
So sorry to hear. at a loss for words.
I'm so sorry for you. You can only think about it and try to work it out. So sorry.
Sorry.
{{{{SM}}}}
miss you.
understanding hugs. I hope you have a better night and day tongiht.
my appointment has been brought forward to Thursday.
all the best.
I'm sorry. I know you'll make the right decision.
desperately sorry for you pain...
*tears* I'm sorry. Good luck with the incredibly hard decisions you have to make.
I'm so sorry...
Okay. So I'm going to play devil's advocate. I want you to go back over your blogs of the last month or so, and really read what you wrote. You, of all people, know the depth of feeling that went into every one. Don't fall for the sappy stuff, stress. Believe, strongly, in the reasons for being that go along with making a child. This age thing is crap. I'm 5 years older than you, and my youngest is 3. My 7 year old goes to 2nd grade with a little girl whose mum is 52, and with a little guy whose mum is 54. I'm not saying I wouldn't prefer to be a younger parent, but I am saying that age isn't nearly the issue it was. Stability and happiness are issues, however, or should be. Mouse is remarkable and wonderful because of you, but you have been going through a huge amount of upheaval and baggage sorting lately. Do some re-reading and let your good sense and love of Mouse give you a real dose of reality which has nothing to do with fertility or not.
Thanks Winjy for the tough talk. Something worth thinking about.
And everyone else, I am sorry I made you feel sad. I am okay, numb and angry and a bunch of stuff that needs sorting out. I'll do it here, I guess. Love to all.
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