February 12, 2002
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Self Esteem.
I have a dear friend who seems to think she is shit.
I don’t know why, because I happen to think she is the funniest, wisest and kindest woman on the planet – but then perhaps that is the nature of self-esteem problems. You don't see what other people see.
Why do women who stay home with their kids feel like they are nothing? Why do their men not raise them high to the sky and parade them through the town, saying, “Hosanna, look upon this woman and tremble – this woman is raising my future”?
Why is it that when we look at ourselves, all we see are our flaws and our ugly bits, instead of the bits that other people see – the good bits? It’s like a reverse of the mirror in Snow White – instead of asking who is the fairest, we ask who is the most hideous, who is the one with the fattest thighs, the biggest ass, the largest nose or the saggiest tits?
I know it is hard. When you are at home having endless conversations about the big red engine or the brown cow, and you seem to function as a 24/7 milk truck – it’s hard to remember who you actually are.
I am not advocating dolling yourself up and becoming artificial. I am not buying into beauty magazines, or The Surrendered Wife or the notion that men are so superficial they only require a firm ass to fall in love all over again. I think that is crap.
What I am trying to say is somehow, us mothers, have got to start loving ourselves. Because if we don’t love us, who will?
And where do we begin? By believing what our friends tell us. By refusing to accept that a nasty comment on a bad day is the truth and by looking at ourselves, honestly and with clarity.
By looking at who is around us, who relies on us, who would be desperate if we were gone.
By not telling ourselves constantly that we aren’t good enough, or thin enough or smart enough. We are good enough dammit!.
By looking who listens to what we have to say, and who gives a shit about what we think. And if these people are people we like and admire, then why the fuck don’t we see ourselves reflected in their eyes?
It’s time to break that mirror.
We didn’t lose what we were when we became mothers. We are bright, funny, smart, kind, warm, passionate women. Not everything that is beautiful comes in a size 8 package and is under 25.
It's okay to feel sometimes like it does. And that it actually matters. As long as you realise that it doesn't matter to those who really and truly love you.
And hey friend, this was for you. I think you are one in a million.
Comments (18)
I couldn't even quit blubbering long enough to finish reading. You are the bee's knees. Truly.
absolutely! I woke up this morning with my alarm set to radio, which is tuned into national public radio. I remember hearing a woman on the program saying something about how, as women, we know how to care for animals and small children, but we don't know how to care for ourselves. I think parents should begin teaching confidence to their girls around the time they are teaching their boys how to piss in the toilet without getting it all over the place.
Don't even get me started on the Surrendered Wife. I remember hearing about this book, which is riddled with musing from male dominant culture.
I think you're completely right on.
I think every woman should look at herself in the mirror everyday and say, "I am gorgeous and brilliant" without feeling guilty or vain or shallow about it and without feeling like it is a lie. Sexy is about confidence, and we all have a shot at that.
Thanks for the reminder
Loving yourself is a valuable lesson for you children.
ahh, the picture. nice touch.
mwah to you too!
i hope to someday find someone who loves me for my second head.
The most difficult roads to travel are probably also the most rewarding...thanks for giving me a new goal...
Very well said!
Very nice. It helps to get a little kick every now and again to remind us that we are ALL beautiful.
You are so right on. How do you get inside our collective heads to blow away all the b.s. that's brewing around in there? Brilliant. Thank you.
Damn good blog! Glad you found me so I could take a peek into your looking glass.
Why do their men not raise them high to the sky and parade them through the town?
Their men are not process oriented. They don't know what it takes so they think it takes nothing, or very little. The ones who are, and I know some of them, do.
can you get every at home mom that is feeling blue to read that and know it is true? when i was home with my kids people would ask if i got bored and i would laugh. bored? boring? nah...not me. but alot of moms dont know this stuff. go spread that good word!
I am not even a mother, but have recently been thrust into a position where I am a stay at home girlfriend, and I was having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that Its OK to be a domestic Goddess. I had been the type that went to school and had 2 jobs, and was such a go getter. Then I moved here and have not started working yet and I lost touch with the person who had the esteem and pride in herself because I valued being domestic less than being a bread winner. I am coming to the realization now that its a great and rewarding thing to be able to have a healthy; clean home. And if one is lucky--which i think I am- we get a man who understands that cleaning the house and keeping bills and food in order takes a lot of initiative and effort. But there are many who do not get the praise I get, and I cant wait to pass your journal on. You truly have touched on a problem so profound and have handled it beautifully. Thank you.
Where'd you get that picture of my ex?
So true. Thanks for writing that.
I wish I could give you more than two e-props for this. It's the God's honest truth, and it hits home.
Hey all, if just one of you read this and saw yourself in it - then I am glad that you also read that you are loved and you are worthy of that love. Now go kick ass sistahs!
I've read this post several times. I even pointed it out to a friend of mine today. So I suppose it's time i said thank you. For this and for all of your other wonderful writing. I swear I feel like you get right inside my head with the things that you say.
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