January 25, 2002
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Bullies.
I am so tired of Bullies.
There are all kinds of bullies – not just the ones that beat up your kid in the schoolyard.
I am thinking of the grownup kind, the ones who berate and belittle, accuse and attack.
You would think that people who’ve been divorced would get over the fact that their lives didn’t work out together, and let go of the anger and the bitterness and move on. Instead they engineer ways of making the ex-partner doubt themselves – as if it wasn’t enough during the course of the marriage, it has to be throughout the course of her life as well.
Someone who needs absolute control, who brooks no variation from his own narrow band of parenting.
Who fancies himself the expert and the martyr of all custodial parents everywhere.
Who uses his ex-wife’s emotional state as a weapon, and takes every opportunity to remind her of what she is not. And how she falls short.
Who battles over parenting decisions that should rightly be the province of the parent who is caring for the child at the time.
Does he look at himself in the mirror and think he is perfect?
I don’t think so.
I think he knows all too well, just how imperfect he is. But to admit that would mean shattering the foundation upon which he stands – the bedrock of his existence.
Because he defines himself as not being his ex-wife. He can point to her and say “see how awful she parents, and in contrast – see how great I am”. The Great Oz.
I think such bullies need help. They need help to see that all they are doing is driving a wedge between themselves and their kid. Because sooner or later that child will grow up and see what is happening for herself. And there won’t be much explaining that will explain the hatred and viciousness away. She won't stay little and uncomprehending forever.
They need help because anyone who is that obsessed with making someone else miserable, must not be very happy themselves.
Such a man seems stuck in a rut, unable to move forward and get on with the business of being a individual, not someone who defines himself by being what his ex-wife is not.
It's sort of a limiting existence for a grown man, don't you think?
Comments (12)
Amen sister. Little minds and hearts trying to make others smaller so they feel better; sad and pitiful.
no kidding. you sound as if you speak from experience, I hope not.
Bullies ~ blah!
It's all about insecurity, SM.
Like highdesertlola says, they put other people down to make themselves look good. It can be this way with ex-wives too. I unfortanately know this from experience with Rick's ex.
It sucks.
Try to enjoy your weekend, and take care of yourself.
Dont let him.
I hope this is a blog on bullies and not your life...its a good blog and very true.
Nope Whateva - not about me, and not about my life. Just something got me thinking...
I think in a lot of cases these people have been bullied themselves. After what I have been through, I put no justification on that what so ever - it's a cycle that must stop, and nothing can excuse them directing their pain toward someone else. I consider myself to be a very bitter person, but I'd never hurt anyone in the way I was.
Good...
I call these people "teflon" since nothing sticks to them and avoid them utterly and completely in my life.
So there.
Bullies, the adult kind, are scum to be scraped from the soles of our souls. Unfortunately, they are also the mentors of the young who follow, and THAT is what keeps me awake some nights.
Excellent writing and excellent insight. Goodstuff, Stressie. Wouldn't it be great if the people who actually needed to read this sort of thing read it, recognized themselves and, oh, I don't know, thought about it? Maybe even did something?
We can always hope -- keep writing.
Love you,
Louise
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