January 21, 2002

  • Sad.


    Somehow, just talking out loud about what's been going on, has confirmed my thoughts. I am going to have to leave him, aren't I?


    Our relationship isn't normal or healthy, and as long as I keep forgiving him, it will stay diseased.


    My self confidence is shot - I was actually wondering if he was right, if I was incompetent, if I was the only mother who needed a day off occasionally, if I was the only woman who expected her husband to pick up after himself.


    If mentally, I was unfit to mother.


    I've spent the morning with two friends who have very different marriages to mine. Both husbands help out with the housework and the childrearing, both husbands seem to view the marriage as a partnership, not as 'well I do this and you do that, and if you can't do it - that's because you are a bitch/a loser/a selfish cow'.


    Mine does it for a while after he's blown his cool, then the resentment builds up and the cycle begins all over again. It makes me worry the whole time, that any time he's gonna go off and blow up.


    What will set him off next time?


    A pile of socks in the corner? 3 days worth of laundry not put away? The stack of mail on the living room table?


    Is it really as bad as putting it down in black and white makes it look?


    He is so contrite and apologetic after these outbursts. But some things you can't take back. And if he keeps saying the same things, doesn't that suggest that he really DOES mean those terrible things?


    Doesn't every marriage have these kind of bad patches?


    I dunno. I burst into tears talking about it. I dunno. I want what we had way back when, but it seems like such long way away.


    I don't know if it's worth the journey back.


    Maybe I should believe him when he says that he can't adjust to fatherhood.


    Maybe I should.


    When is it time to cut your losses and move on?


    AND WHERE HAS MY SENSE OF HUMOUR GONE???!??!?

Comments (14)

  • hmmm... when you've lost your sense of humor... or any aspect of yourself that should still be there... time to move on. at least in my opinion...

  • I've been reading your posts in my email since I've been gone.  This is so sad and disturbing.  Some of what you've written is familiar to my life a few years back.  God...nevermind, even.  I am no one to try properly advising you in any way.  I'm listening to you, though.  End of my oh-so-American comment...

  • Do what you need to make yourself  happy. Life is so short and I'm also guitly for falling into that trap of "things will get better". Everyone does it but at some point we must say ~ enough is enough.

    I wish you happiness and as for losing your sense of humor.. I don't think you have.. u just need to feel like laughing again.

    Sending you smiles ~  Kymber

  • Poor dear.  Marriages are difficult.  And of course, you're the only one who knows for sure.  But, do you picture yourself as happier without him?

  • I'm sorry this is happening to your lives. Maybe a trial seperation is a good idea? You know the old saying, "Don't settle for the one you can live with....Go for the one you can't live without."

  • Thankfully, I have never been in this type of marraige, but speaking as a neutral person I honestly think you are better off without him. It may take a while to adjust but you will in the end. If you don't want to leave for yourself then leave your children. Growing up in that kind of environment can have devastating consequences for them.

    If your child is a girl, they will probably repeat the cycle and end up in the same sort of relationship you endure, while if they are a boy, they might become abusive toward future partners themselves.

    I know it's hard but you have taken the first step by realising other people don't live in the awful situation you do. The next step is gathering the courage to break free and realise you deserve more than this. Good luck with it.

  • I have tried 3 times to answer this and I just can't. All I can say is that I feel your pain and that your heart already knows what is right for you. Take care...

  • I need to reiterate Just_Margie's comment.  Do you picture yourself as happier without him?  Will you be happier without him than with him?  It's kind of like, when you first get together with someone, and are trying to decide whether to commit to them.  You ask yourself "Will I be happier with him than without him?"  And if you answer happier with him, then you commit.  Turn it around to the downslope of a marriage--are you happier without him? 

    See, nobody can tell you what is best for you.  Sounds trite, but it is true.  I just know that the stress level inside you must be tremendous, to always be walking on eggshells, wondering what will set him off.  Like your love is conditional on you being a good wife in his eyes.  Hang in there.  We're here to listen to you.

  • try to make yourself happy first. your priority... remember that and dont' get too down!!! lets regain that sense of humor!

  • One black day at a time. I'm a strong believer in gut instinct. If you close your eyes and imagine life without him, how do you feel? If 'wonderful' even comes close, then I think you should start planning how you'll change your future to include that laughter you're missing.

    Remember you are constantly surrounded by thousands of cyber hugs...just look at the preceding comments.

  • Sorry to hear.  I have been there.  It sucks.  Good Luck to you.  BTW.. I left and went back.  We are better for it.

  • I can't thank you all for the support. All of you - you know I'll read your blogs, I only hope I am as supportive and gentle to you when you need it.

  • ((((((((stressmagnet)))))))

  • oh. this makes me very sad, but it is also so very common in many relationships. a man who admits he isn't responding to being a parent very well is indicating that he is having problems with maturing and accepting responsibilty, and that explains why he can't behave appropriately in his relationships, including his marriage. It sounds like he needs to grow up, because he has a daughter irrespective of whether he's ready for it, and he shouldn't be taking out his inadequacies on you. A man who is in over his head will often lash out at others. I find that to be quite frightening. You might want to ask yourself how you both contribute to the marriage in a good way and how you both contribute to it in a bad way. Then ask yourself if any of those bad things that each of you do can be changed if you both made concerted efforts to work on them. You might also ask your husband if he's willing to work on those things. You also have to be willing to work on yours. I think being honest with each other about the direction of where the relationship is going is essential. Noone wants to be blindsided.

    But you need to ask yourself if you still love him. Do you think you have potential to be happy again together? Do you think he is a good influence in your life? He will always be your daughter's father. But you should base your decision on whether to stay married to him based on your relationship with him. That would be my suggestion anyway. You don't have to be perfect to deserve happiness. You also need to know that you're not crazy for feeling this way. Another question that might help you decide: If you didn't have a child together, would this question of divorce still be as difficult for you to answer? Don't stay married solely for your child, if you think it's irreparable. Trust me, as the daughter of divorced parents, I was thankful every day that my parents didn't stay married, because I knew my life would have been terrible if they had, because it wouldn't have been a happy house. Because they divroced, I was able to have unique and fulfilling relationships with both parents. Not that I'm advocating divorce, but I think I got to know each of them as individuals better because they weren't a couple.

    So anyway, this is just my concept. You sound very introspective, so you'll do what's right for you.

    best wishes and kind regards.

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